Drunken Faun - Something About a Flute

Dear Drunken Faun,

In all these pictures of you that I've seen you're sometimes holding a flute or a pan pipe of some type.  Are you a professional or is this just a passing hobby?

With utmost curiosity,
Natam Muidos

Dear Natshead Mayonnaise,

What pictures?!  You say that like you've seen me around a lot.  Well, I guess that's not too far off...I am very popular at parties. High society stuff.  I'm kinda like the fun everyone had ya know?

Leola: (snickers)

What?  I am.  That's where that flute and pipe come in at.  Once I show up the party has just beginning!  I rock that shit!  Normally, I troll in while the waiter's not looking, sneak under a table or two and then the house is a rockin'!

Jackie:  So you sneak into parties?  I think I have more respect for you now.

Leola:  I know!  When do you do all this?

When I drug you guys with a couple of those pills in Leola's bag.

Jackie & Leola:  ......soooo....

Ah...don't worry.  All they do is make you fun to watch drool around on the floor and then pass out while talking about fixing something or some design you came up with that might be good or solving the problem to some math thing which is cool cause you two don't know shit about math so that's impressive.  Then I just take the car and drive to the other end of town where all the parties are.

Jackie:  Wait, wait!  You not only drug us while at our most creative peak, but then you steal the cars to go where exactly?

Leola:  And let it be known that I hate you and I will eventually kill you later.

Good luck.  But, yeah, it's out there in town where I met this homeless guy and we sat around trying to catch pigeons.  I have this thing with pigeons ever since I was a young faun...or was that girls?  Nah, I think it was girls...is there another name for those?

Jackie:  ANYWAY!  Car, where did you take the car?

Oh yeah, it was this place down in town and I found this kid laying in a bush and I thought "Man, I can't pass that up!" and BAM I threw him in the trunk and drove to this party that I got from a flyer in his shirt pocket...

Leola:  So we're up to grand theft auto...

Jackie:  ...and kidnapping.  Well we're going to jail.

That was where the party was at!  And I took out my pipe, which is a funny story...you know, how I got it.  I was corralling some fillies one day in...well, that's not important, and I came across this other sleeping faun who had this pipe looking thing that I just couldn't pass up...

Jackie:  Seeing a trend.

...and then I was able to play the music and see the music too.  It was special times.

Leola:  I have another name for it but still...where is the car?

At this place called Impound.  I think it's a club or something.  Lucky.  That's probably the best place to go.  Impound, it even sounds cool.

Jackie:  Better yet, which car?

Leola:  (picking up machete) Yes, which?

Relax!  It wasn't those two bastard cars of yours.  I stole this one from...someone...I can't remember.  But whatever, I hope they start looking for it soon cause my drinking buddy's in the trunk still.  But I did remember to take the flutes out.  I almost scared myself there!  So to answer...yes.  i have both flutes and pipes and they are not a habbilty.

Jackie: A what?

Habbitality.  Whatever she said...that word and stuff.

Leola:  The Impound said the guy was unconscious with what looked like pixie dust on his nose.

That bastard!

Drunken Faun - Medusa...It's Been Awhile

 Dear Getrunken Faun, 

Lately I've been struggling to give my scales the extra shine they need. Would you suggest Turtle Wax or Crisco? 

Medusa Gorgon

Hey Medusa...what's up baby?  Long time no see.  I guess that's kinda my fault, you know..me roaming around the place with these two bitches.  So, I hope there's no misunderstandings about letting Perseus in that time cause I thought he was a olive oil delivery boy...cause I know how nice a shiny those scales of yours get when you use it.

Leola: So you actually met Medusa?  For real?  Not lying like you did when you said you met the guy who invented the wheel when EVERYONE knew that was a fallacy.

I don't think I like it when you call me phallic even though that is a very accurate term.

Jackie: That...is disgusting!

Anyway your breaking into a heartfelt reunion...reconcilitating time with my snake..girl.  I really like her...she really kinky when she frolics.

Leola:  I've had enough. Could you please just answer the question...in a very..not you way?

Oh sure, since I might have a chance to be apart of the answer later I'll give my opinion.  I wouldn't go with Turtle Wax cause it tastes bad and it leaves the shiny objects a little less shiny since you have to use the tongue to get it off.

Jackie:  Is there nothing you say that isn't revolting in some way or fashion?

And Crisco is nice but it makes you smell like bacon later...which isn't a bad thing if that's what your going for but just to warn you I don't like sharing my breakfast if you catch my drift.

Leola: I would like to thank you for making me thinner at least.

Someone better, cause I don't see much else working.

Leola: (picks up knife)

Jackie:  Not on the carpet!

That's what she said.

Leola:  You went there!  How could you do that!  That is so cheap!

Jackie:  Stop giving him fodder!

But yeah...olive oil baby.  Don't mess up a good thing.  Like how it slithered down my hoof and you had all those cool art statues everywhere and you had those broken mirrors and stuff.  I miss that and I'm pretty sure I could steal some olive oil from the pantry...I saw some in there when they locked me in after I chewed on the cable wires.  I like the sparkiness, sorta like bacon rinds...I miss you honey.

Leola: Did he drink the lighter fluid again?

Jackie:  Nope...kerosene.

Was that it?  I thought it said Kool Aid.

Drunken Faun - Halloween Costume

Dear Drunken Faun,

   What are you dressing up for this Halloween?

   Quite Interested,
   Julio Hunterport

Dear Huntsterjew,

   That is a seriously offensitive comment!  Why, I have never heard sucha thing before!  Costumes?  I don't need to use costumes!

Jackie and Leola: ....

And I would aprreciate if you stayed on your side of the tracks and play with your dollar girls instead of your..

Leola:  AND you stop.

What?  I'm telling him off, you shut it or I'll make you another dirty martini!

Jackie:  Firstly, we know better than to drink anything you make for we know it involves a dirty sock or dryer lint.

Leola:  Second, you have no idea what the question is do you?

(After a few minutes of confused explanation, we set it straight)

Oh!  Costumes!  Like dress up stuff?  Well, I had some great get ups in my time.  I had a goat...and a goat...and a woman's underpant suit thingy from the 1800's.  A little advice when doing dress up, make sure you play for your team if you get my drift.  I really like Carnival and Mardis Gras...it's a lot of fun screwing around then.  Like this one time, I got into a bar fight over some liquor and it happened at night so it was dark...

Jackie:  Oh, the stories you tell.

Yeah, and it was late and I was drunk and I hid in a corner after hitting this other guy cause I stole his liquor when I couln't get that other one back and...

Leola:  Does this have anything to do with Halloween?

What's that?  Some kinda fruity disease? Like the kind you get in the jello pool filled with strange things like bikes and stuff?

Jackie:  How drunk are you?

Leola:  You have to ask?

But I'm curious what is it?

Leola:  The time of year you dress up in scary to sexy costumes, blowing stuff up, drinking, and talk to ghosts and stuff.

So basically what you two do everyday.

Jackie and Leola: ....yeah.  Pretty much.  Only we get candy for doing it.

Liquor filled candy?  Cause if that's the case sign me up! 

Jackie:  The question was, what would you dress up as?

Oh, right!  I would say a goat.  Or a chupacabra.  That's like my version of a vampire.  You know, I think I could find something sexy about it that you two perverts do with those vampire movies you like.

Leola:  Do not doubt it.

Drunken Faun - Well...What Kind of Monk?

Dear Drunken Faun,
  I was watching the Horrible Histories the other day, and they had a commercial about Monks. We sell any monk. Any-any-any-any monk! And I was wondering, what kind of monk would you buy?
- Hortense Mansini

Disclaimer: ( These are not our views, they belong entirely to Drunken Faun)


Dear Horseface Manchester,
   Do you have Turrets or something? 'Cus that was a lot of "anys". But yeah...by any monk, did you mean an old one that mumbles to himself or one of those spry, filly lookin' things that're all skippy and shit?
I had this one friend, you know, back in the day, that had one of those monk things. He found it somewhere and gave it a good home.

   An let me tell you, that monk could do all kinds of shit, you know, like that book-learning and writing shit. And he could fold a sheet like you've never seen before!

   He was really hard to take care of, with all the feeding and stuff, but he had this book see? It was this really big book and he would read us stories out of it. It was about this guy named Jewsuitos Crisco... Yeah, I think that was his name...but anyway, he would do all this cool shit like, catch flying fish and turn water into wine and shit like that. Man! He was one hell of a party guest I'll tell you what! I think every person around wanted that guy to crash their party.

   He did do a lot of kinky shit though, like letting these guys that followed him around wash his feet and other parts where guys made out with other people. I think there was this part about necrophilia, but I don't exactly remember.


   So yeah, besides you wanting to go buy some monk guy, I think you should do like my friend did. Just take a cruise to some island like Scottsdale or something like that, and find a nice, free-ranging monk. I hear they like soft grass and a breezy rock cliff. You know, to get some wind under those robes. It gets real hot in there and they don't like taking them off.

   And be sure to have a large supply of un-lemoned bread. They don't like that sour stuff too much.

Jackie: You're a moron.

Leola: Any other words of wisdom you would like to convey before you go to Hell?

   Oh!  And you have to remember to wash them after they frolic in the bogs...my friend forgot that too and man did he have a mess on his hands later!  And don't....were you makin' fun of my ass just then?  Why am I going to Hell when you two are the ones thinking of underage girls all the time?

Leola: What the hell are you talking about?  We have never looked at underage girls before!  Nor will we ever!

   What about that folder on your computer that has all those girls in it?

Leola:  ......

Jackie:  Ah!  He means your Asian folder. ::snicker::

Leola:  They are not girls!  If I have to explain this to you I will.

   No, no explanation is needed.  I already know you have problems.  Explaining them will not help you at all.

Leola:  Anyway, back to the monks!

   Ah yes.  Putting aside the fact that these two are going to Hell I'll finish.

Jackie: I hate you and besides if I do go to Hell...it'll be because of something better than what you imagine.

   Yeah, like the fact you guys think this monk shit is funny when I am at least respecting it.

Leola:  So...monks!

 Yes, so if you get a monk that can read and write but won't read aloud cause he took a Volume of Shilance from some old guy...whatever that is but he won't say nothing no matter how many rug beaters you go through.

Jackie:  Oh, fun.

   Anyway, the monk is defectrable and has to be replaced cause he's fifty percent useless.

Leola:  Why is that?

   I like singing.

Jackie and Leola: .....and...so what?

   Nah, that's it.  I get a kick out of you two singing otherwise I would replace you two too....too.  (passes out on floor)

Leola: (laughing) Only if you can catch us bitch.

Jackie:  I say we drop him at a monastery.

Drunken Faun - Official Publication Introduction.

So I hear you guys are planning something...something special. Is that like...somethin' that involves me or something I have to destroy you know, like your hopes and dignity?  I bet it's somethin' about me!  I'm awesome and the ruler of my own page!

Jackie: Yeah, so would you like some crumpets, a drink...or a hat rack you can try to make love to?

For your king Yes! Go wench to the dregs of the vodka barrel and get my.. mien... me... my...get me some vodka! It's a party.

Leola: I have a bottle of turpentine. How's that for your majesty? With an anti-freeze chaser? 

Sounds good, keep 'em coming, anti-freeze gives me that little tingle in the back of my skull.

Jackie: That's your brain cells dying. 

Shut up. I like it. Makes me remind about mom's soup and muffin tops.  

Jackie: Just to warn you now, as you have noticed, Drunken Faun's advice is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended...or easily grossed out, disturbed, Christian, religious in any way...just be open-minded, you know, like everyone of your teachers in school told you not to be.  This would be the time to rebel like the inner punk you know you are.

Leola: We didn't really have time to prepare a disclaimer...sorry.

Oh! OH! Do you see this oppression!? I'm being censored and curfewed by the FCC KGB already! I think I'm going to be famous, because no one likes me, that's how people get famous, you know, like Stalin, and Lennon, and that guy who wore the purple dinosaur outfit on that show....or that guy who kept taking off his sweater, what the hell was that about? So, everyone gets to shut up now and I get to give you my introduction about how all this magnif...manefesc...awesome everything came to be.

Jackie: Go for it goat boy.

Well, back in the day when I was a little faun, before I found this wild nectar of the gods that I stole from that dude who pushes all the dead suckers into this river on a boat...I was a parsimonious child that liked flowers and naked women...and would help to feed my family by clawing Athena's statues eyes out and selling the gold under my fingernails...then she'd try to shoot me. I was fast and then she never got me. So here I am.

Just where I want to be...and now I'm gonna get money off all of these suckers reading this.

Jackie: Don't tell people that!

Again, shut up.  So, here is a bunch of letters and things people wrote me, because I'm all knowing and stuff. And liquor makes me smarter and able to see into the cosmos and God and how they make Oreos and you should give me more liquor because it makes me happy and smarter and all good things like that  and.....

(Passes out onto floor)

Leola: Thank God! I was wondering how long it would take that Lori-tab to kick in. 

Jackie: You really felt the need to drug him?

Leola: Yes, otherwise he would have kept going and we'd be out of scotch. Expensive little troll, he is.

Jackie: True, well done then. So now, we will finish with the introduction, seeing as how he is now passed out on my floor...and drooling. Oh! How disgusting!

Leola: So, there you have it. This is a collection of the...wondrous...insightful...advice that Drunken Faun has given over the years since we found him skulking in the elevator of the Lightner Museum.

Jackie: We hope these amuse you as they have amused, disgusted, disturbed, damaged, traumatized our souls and property...to bring to you.

Jackie & Leola: Enjoy.

Drunken Faun - From a Melon

Dear Drunk..en Faun,

I am a drinking gourd from teh furthest reaches of downtown Jax...AND i GOT A QUESTION. how many silver foxen does it take to screw in a.... oh wait.

squeal.

I mean... Whose leg do I have to hump to get a sleeping partner in your- I mean DEW'S -house..??!! I was the only Melon.. without a bed-buddy during "The Big Sleep..-(over)" ;_;

Even the Phone got turned on. Not mee. :(

ok.. I luv you... not in a prison kinda way.

The Melon

-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-...-----

Dear Intox..icate..d Melon..,

Wow.......you can'..t spell... But that is a good thing.. becau..se you have my persp..ectiv..e on this.....

So. I have a leg, and and I'm sure that it's more polit..icall..y corre..ct to hump mine than an unsus..pecti..ng fox'..s. Seein..g as I'm at least.. half human.., the ASPCA.. might.. be more lenie..nt on that than the full on besti..ality.. thing......

And since.. you'..re a volup..tuous.. lady and all that,.. you CAN love me in a priso..n kind of way. *..wink*.. Just so long as I'm not the wife,.. '..cause.. I can'..t pull off a flora..l apron...

(..Translated from inane drunken babble by -Jackie & Leola.)

Drunken Faun - Death Note Misunderstanding

Dear Drunken Faun,

I was watching DeathNote the other night...it's an anime, a really good one...and I was wondering which DeathNote character you would be? I think you would be Matsuda because you just fit his profile. It sounds about right...but what do you think?

-The Chex

....................................................................................................................

Dear....Person that I haven't met before,

 What? What's a Death Note? Is that like, some kind of cartoon porn?  It must be a snuff film with a name like that....now, don't get me wrong,but I like living porn, no one should die at the end of it! It's not good then! That's screwed up man, what if you like thatMatsu....Matshe....da... chick in it? Then you don't get to see her in anything else, and that makes me sad....So, I don't think I like you...The Chex....You're one sick, sad, little girl.  My formal advice is to get help...QUICK!!  And make sure the police don't find out you like watching people die.

Leola: It's an anime RETARD!  It's not a snuff film.  God! Do you think everything through like this?

I answer the questions from your bloggers...not you...I hate you.