Drunken Faun - Halloween Costume

Dear Drunken Faun,

   What are you dressing up for this Halloween?

   Quite Interested,
   Julio Hunterport

Dear Huntsterjew,

   That is a seriously offensitive comment!  Why, I have never heard sucha thing before!  Costumes?  I don't need to use costumes!

Jackie and Leola: ....

And I would aprreciate if you stayed on your side of the tracks and play with your dollar girls instead of your..

Leola:  AND you stop.

What?  I'm telling him off, you shut it or I'll make you another dirty martini!

Jackie:  Firstly, we know better than to drink anything you make for we know it involves a dirty sock or dryer lint.

Leola:  Second, you have no idea what the question is do you?

(After a few minutes of confused explanation, we set it straight)

Oh!  Costumes!  Like dress up stuff?  Well, I had some great get ups in my time.  I had a goat...and a goat...and a woman's underpant suit thingy from the 1800's.  A little advice when doing dress up, make sure you play for your team if you get my drift.  I really like Carnival and Mardis Gras...it's a lot of fun screwing around then.  Like this one time, I got into a bar fight over some liquor and it happened at night so it was dark...

Jackie:  Oh, the stories you tell.

Yeah, and it was late and I was drunk and I hid in a corner after hitting this other guy cause I stole his liquor when I couln't get that other one back and...

Leola:  Does this have anything to do with Halloween?

What's that?  Some kinda fruity disease? Like the kind you get in the jello pool filled with strange things like bikes and stuff?

Jackie:  How drunk are you?

Leola:  You have to ask?

But I'm curious what is it?

Leola:  The time of year you dress up in scary to sexy costumes, blowing stuff up, drinking, and talk to ghosts and stuff.

So basically what you two do everyday.

Jackie and Leola: ....yeah.  Pretty much.  Only we get candy for doing it.

Liquor filled candy?  Cause if that's the case sign me up! 

Jackie:  The question was, what would you dress up as?

Oh, right!  I would say a goat.  Or a chupacabra.  That's like my version of a vampire.  You know, I think I could find something sexy about it that you two perverts do with those vampire movies you like.

Leola:  Do not doubt it.

Drunken Faun - Official Publication Introduction.

So I hear you guys are planning something...something special. Is that like...somethin' that involves me or something I have to destroy you know, like your hopes and dignity?  I bet it's somethin' about me!  I'm awesome and the ruler of my own page!

Jackie: Yeah, so would you like some crumpets, a drink...or a hat rack you can try to make love to?

For your king Yes! Go wench to the dregs of the vodka barrel and get my.. mien... me... my...get me some vodka! It's a party.

Leola: I have a bottle of turpentine. How's that for your majesty? With an anti-freeze chaser? 

Sounds good, keep 'em coming, anti-freeze gives me that little tingle in the back of my skull.

Jackie: That's your brain cells dying. 

Shut up. I like it. Makes me remind about mom's soup and muffin tops.  

Jackie: Just to warn you now, as you have noticed, Drunken Faun's advice is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended...or easily grossed out, disturbed, Christian, religious in any way...just be open-minded, you know, like everyone of your teachers in school told you not to be.  This would be the time to rebel like the inner punk you know you are.

Leola: We didn't really have time to prepare a disclaimer...sorry.

Oh! OH! Do you see this oppression!? I'm being censored and curfewed by the FCC KGB already! I think I'm going to be famous, because no one likes me, that's how people get famous, you know, like Stalin, and Lennon, and that guy who wore the purple dinosaur outfit on that show....or that guy who kept taking off his sweater, what the hell was that about? So, everyone gets to shut up now and I get to give you my introduction about how all this magnif...manefesc...awesome everything came to be.

Jackie: Go for it goat boy.

Well, back in the day when I was a little faun, before I found this wild nectar of the gods that I stole from that dude who pushes all the dead suckers into this river on a boat...I was a parsimonious child that liked flowers and naked women...and would help to feed my family by clawing Athena's statues eyes out and selling the gold under my fingernails...then she'd try to shoot me. I was fast and then she never got me. So here I am.

Just where I want to be...and now I'm gonna get money off all of these suckers reading this.

Jackie: Don't tell people that!

Again, shut up.  So, here is a bunch of letters and things people wrote me, because I'm all knowing and stuff. And liquor makes me smarter and able to see into the cosmos and God and how they make Oreos and you should give me more liquor because it makes me happy and smarter and all good things like that  and.....

(Passes out onto floor)

Leola: Thank God! I was wondering how long it would take that Lori-tab to kick in. 

Jackie: You really felt the need to drug him?

Leola: Yes, otherwise he would have kept going and we'd be out of scotch. Expensive little troll, he is.

Jackie: True, well done then. So now, we will finish with the introduction, seeing as how he is now passed out on my floor...and drooling. Oh! How disgusting!

Leola: So, there you have it. This is a collection of the...wondrous...insightful...advice that Drunken Faun has given over the years since we found him skulking in the elevator of the Lightner Museum.

Jackie: We hope these amuse you as they have amused, disgusted, disturbed, damaged, traumatized our souls and property...to bring to you.

Jackie & Leola: Enjoy.

Drunken Faun - An Affair With Hatred

Dear Drunken Faun,

Is Fedora your only child?

- Got Axlerod? (Check out our myspace!)






Dear...You guys suck,

As a matter of fact, I think and am only 2% sure of that not being a possibility.  The other 100 and 5% is completely up to nature and your mom.
You see, I think something amazing happened the other year or two ago, I had an affair with Leola's hatred. It was a beautiful, and horrible time.
Anyway, I named the child Sunshine Dewdrop Cottoncandy Drunken Faun. And she lives under the bridge with Fedora in a cozy little tea kettle shaped box and yeah.....

Leola: You had an affair with what?

Your hatred

Jackie: Well, she's got plenty of it left so I'm pretty sure that it's not just her's.

Well, that's what she told me, and her name was Sacajawea.....Pumpkin....Sasquatch....Riddalin...

Jackie: Now you're just making this up!

Well, Hatred and I just keep having disagreements so we just keep calling them different things.

Leola: You suck. And It's not my hatred, it's the bum with no teeth living on the corner of Adams and Main.  Get it right!

You're just jealous...that your hatred's getting laid.

Jackie: Here's some vodka, go back to sleep.

Leola: Yeah...so I can bash your head in with this shovel....

What was that?

Jackie and Leola: Nothing...Nazi.