Drunken Faun - Something About a Flute

Dear Drunken Faun,

In all these pictures of you that I've seen you're sometimes holding a flute or a pan pipe of some type.  Are you a professional or is this just a passing hobby?

With utmost curiosity,
Natam Muidos

Dear Natshead Mayonnaise,

What pictures?!  You say that like you've seen me around a lot.  Well, I guess that's not too far off...I am very popular at parties. High society stuff.  I'm kinda like the fun everyone had ya know?

Leola: (snickers)

What?  I am.  That's where that flute and pipe come in at.  Once I show up the party has just beginning!  I rock that shit!  Normally, I troll in while the waiter's not looking, sneak under a table or two and then the house is a rockin'!

Jackie:  So you sneak into parties?  I think I have more respect for you now.

Leola:  I know!  When do you do all this?

When I drug you guys with a couple of those pills in Leola's bag.

Jackie & Leola:  ......soooo....

Ah...don't worry.  All they do is make you fun to watch drool around on the floor and then pass out while talking about fixing something or some design you came up with that might be good or solving the problem to some math thing which is cool cause you two don't know shit about math so that's impressive.  Then I just take the car and drive to the other end of town where all the parties are.

Jackie:  Wait, wait!  You not only drug us while at our most creative peak, but then you steal the cars to go where exactly?

Leola:  And let it be known that I hate you and I will eventually kill you later.

Good luck.  But, yeah, it's out there in town where I met this homeless guy and we sat around trying to catch pigeons.  I have this thing with pigeons ever since I was a young faun...or was that girls?  Nah, I think it was girls...is there another name for those?

Jackie:  ANYWAY!  Car, where did you take the car?

Oh yeah, it was this place down in town and I found this kid laying in a bush and I thought "Man, I can't pass that up!" and BAM I threw him in the trunk and drove to this party that I got from a flyer in his shirt pocket...

Leola:  So we're up to grand theft auto...

Jackie:  ...and kidnapping.  Well we're going to jail.

That was where the party was at!  And I took out my pipe, which is a funny story...you know, how I got it.  I was corralling some fillies one day in...well, that's not important, and I came across this other sleeping faun who had this pipe looking thing that I just couldn't pass up...

Jackie:  Seeing a trend.

...and then I was able to play the music and see the music too.  It was special times.

Leola:  I have another name for it but still...where is the car?

At this place called Impound.  I think it's a club or something.  Lucky.  That's probably the best place to go.  Impound, it even sounds cool.

Jackie:  Better yet, which car?

Leola:  (picking up machete) Yes, which?

Relax!  It wasn't those two bastard cars of yours.  I stole this one from...someone...I can't remember.  But whatever, I hope they start looking for it soon cause my drinking buddy's in the trunk still.  But I did remember to take the flutes out.  I almost scared myself there!  So to answer...yes.  i have both flutes and pipes and they are not a habbilty.

Jackie: A what?

Habbitality.  Whatever she said...that word and stuff.

Leola:  The Impound said the guy was unconscious with what looked like pixie dust on his nose.

That bastard!

Drunken Faun - Medusa...It's Been Awhile

 Dear Getrunken Faun, 

Lately I've been struggling to give my scales the extra shine they need. Would you suggest Turtle Wax or Crisco? 

Medusa Gorgon

Hey Medusa...what's up baby?  Long time no see.  I guess that's kinda my fault, you know..me roaming around the place with these two bitches.  So, I hope there's no misunderstandings about letting Perseus in that time cause I thought he was a olive oil delivery boy...cause I know how nice a shiny those scales of yours get when you use it.

Leola: So you actually met Medusa?  For real?  Not lying like you did when you said you met the guy who invented the wheel when EVERYONE knew that was a fallacy.

I don't think I like it when you call me phallic even though that is a very accurate term.

Jackie: That...is disgusting!

Anyway your breaking into a heartfelt reunion...reconcilitating time with my snake..girl.  I really like her...she really kinky when she frolics.

Leola:  I've had enough. Could you please just answer the question...in a very..not you way?

Oh sure, since I might have a chance to be apart of the answer later I'll give my opinion.  I wouldn't go with Turtle Wax cause it tastes bad and it leaves the shiny objects a little less shiny since you have to use the tongue to get it off.

Jackie:  Is there nothing you say that isn't revolting in some way or fashion?

And Crisco is nice but it makes you smell like bacon later...which isn't a bad thing if that's what your going for but just to warn you I don't like sharing my breakfast if you catch my drift.

Leola: I would like to thank you for making me thinner at least.

Someone better, cause I don't see much else working.

Leola: (picks up knife)

Jackie:  Not on the carpet!

That's what she said.

Leola:  You went there!  How could you do that!  That is so cheap!

Jackie:  Stop giving him fodder!

But yeah...olive oil baby.  Don't mess up a good thing.  Like how it slithered down my hoof and you had all those cool art statues everywhere and you had those broken mirrors and stuff.  I miss that and I'm pretty sure I could steal some olive oil from the pantry...I saw some in there when they locked me in after I chewed on the cable wires.  I like the sparkiness, sorta like bacon rinds...I miss you honey.

Leola: Did he drink the lighter fluid again?

Jackie:  Nope...kerosene.

Was that it?  I thought it said Kool Aid.

Drunken Faun - Halloween Costume

Dear Drunken Faun,

   What are you dressing up for this Halloween?

   Quite Interested,
   Julio Hunterport

Dear Huntsterjew,

   That is a seriously offensitive comment!  Why, I have never heard sucha thing before!  Costumes?  I don't need to use costumes!

Jackie and Leola: ....

And I would aprreciate if you stayed on your side of the tracks and play with your dollar girls instead of your..

Leola:  AND you stop.

What?  I'm telling him off, you shut it or I'll make you another dirty martini!

Jackie:  Firstly, we know better than to drink anything you make for we know it involves a dirty sock or dryer lint.

Leola:  Second, you have no idea what the question is do you?

(After a few minutes of confused explanation, we set it straight)

Oh!  Costumes!  Like dress up stuff?  Well, I had some great get ups in my time.  I had a goat...and a goat...and a woman's underpant suit thingy from the 1800's.  A little advice when doing dress up, make sure you play for your team if you get my drift.  I really like Carnival and Mardis Gras...it's a lot of fun screwing around then.  Like this one time, I got into a bar fight over some liquor and it happened at night so it was dark...

Jackie:  Oh, the stories you tell.

Yeah, and it was late and I was drunk and I hid in a corner after hitting this other guy cause I stole his liquor when I couln't get that other one back and...

Leola:  Does this have anything to do with Halloween?

What's that?  Some kinda fruity disease? Like the kind you get in the jello pool filled with strange things like bikes and stuff?

Jackie:  How drunk are you?

Leola:  You have to ask?

But I'm curious what is it?

Leola:  The time of year you dress up in scary to sexy costumes, blowing stuff up, drinking, and talk to ghosts and stuff.

So basically what you two do everyday.

Jackie and Leola: ....yeah.  Pretty much.  Only we get candy for doing it.

Liquor filled candy?  Cause if that's the case sign me up! 

Jackie:  The question was, what would you dress up as?

Oh, right!  I would say a goat.  Or a chupacabra.  That's like my version of a vampire.  You know, I think I could find something sexy about it that you two perverts do with those vampire movies you like.

Leola:  Do not doubt it.

Drunken Faun - Official Publication Introduction.

So I hear you guys are planning something...something special. Is that like...somethin' that involves me or something I have to destroy you know, like your hopes and dignity?  I bet it's somethin' about me!  I'm awesome and the ruler of my own page!

Jackie: Yeah, so would you like some crumpets, a drink...or a hat rack you can try to make love to?

For your king Yes! Go wench to the dregs of the vodka barrel and get my.. mien... me... my...get me some vodka! It's a party.

Leola: I have a bottle of turpentine. How's that for your majesty? With an anti-freeze chaser? 

Sounds good, keep 'em coming, anti-freeze gives me that little tingle in the back of my skull.

Jackie: That's your brain cells dying. 

Shut up. I like it. Makes me remind about mom's soup and muffin tops.  

Jackie: Just to warn you now, as you have noticed, Drunken Faun's advice is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended...or easily grossed out, disturbed, Christian, religious in any way...just be open-minded, you know, like everyone of your teachers in school told you not to be.  This would be the time to rebel like the inner punk you know you are.

Leola: We didn't really have time to prepare a disclaimer...sorry.

Oh! OH! Do you see this oppression!? I'm being censored and curfewed by the FCC KGB already! I think I'm going to be famous, because no one likes me, that's how people get famous, you know, like Stalin, and Lennon, and that guy who wore the purple dinosaur outfit on that show....or that guy who kept taking off his sweater, what the hell was that about? So, everyone gets to shut up now and I get to give you my introduction about how all this magnif...manefesc...awesome everything came to be.

Jackie: Go for it goat boy.

Well, back in the day when I was a little faun, before I found this wild nectar of the gods that I stole from that dude who pushes all the dead suckers into this river on a boat...I was a parsimonious child that liked flowers and naked women...and would help to feed my family by clawing Athena's statues eyes out and selling the gold under my fingernails...then she'd try to shoot me. I was fast and then she never got me. So here I am.

Just where I want to be...and now I'm gonna get money off all of these suckers reading this.

Jackie: Don't tell people that!

Again, shut up.  So, here is a bunch of letters and things people wrote me, because I'm all knowing and stuff. And liquor makes me smarter and able to see into the cosmos and God and how they make Oreos and you should give me more liquor because it makes me happy and smarter and all good things like that  and.....

(Passes out onto floor)

Leola: Thank God! I was wondering how long it would take that Lori-tab to kick in. 

Jackie: You really felt the need to drug him?

Leola: Yes, otherwise he would have kept going and we'd be out of scotch. Expensive little troll, he is.

Jackie: True, well done then. So now, we will finish with the introduction, seeing as how he is now passed out on my floor...and drooling. Oh! How disgusting!

Leola: So, there you have it. This is a collection of the...wondrous...insightful...advice that Drunken Faun has given over the years since we found him skulking in the elevator of the Lightner Museum.

Jackie: We hope these amuse you as they have amused, disgusted, disturbed, damaged, traumatized our souls and property...to bring to you.

Jackie & Leola: Enjoy.

Drunken Faun - From a Melon

Dear Drunk..en Faun,

I am a drinking gourd from teh furthest reaches of downtown Jax...AND i GOT A QUESTION. how many silver foxen does it take to screw in a.... oh wait.

squeal.

I mean... Whose leg do I have to hump to get a sleeping partner in your- I mean DEW'S -house..??!! I was the only Melon.. without a bed-buddy during "The Big Sleep..-(over)" ;_;

Even the Phone got turned on. Not mee. :(

ok.. I luv you... not in a prison kinda way.

The Melon

-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-..-...-----

Dear Intox..icate..d Melon..,

Wow.......you can'..t spell... But that is a good thing.. becau..se you have my persp..ectiv..e on this.....

So. I have a leg, and and I'm sure that it's more polit..icall..y corre..ct to hump mine than an unsus..pecti..ng fox'..s. Seein..g as I'm at least.. half human.., the ASPCA.. might.. be more lenie..nt on that than the full on besti..ality.. thing......

And since.. you'..re a volup..tuous.. lady and all that,.. you CAN love me in a priso..n kind of way. *..wink*.. Just so long as I'm not the wife,.. '..cause.. I can'..t pull off a flora..l apron...

(..Translated from inane drunken babble by -Jackie & Leola.)

Drunken Faun - Death Note Misunderstanding

Dear Drunken Faun,

I was watching DeathNote the other night...it's an anime, a really good one...and I was wondering which DeathNote character you would be? I think you would be Matsuda because you just fit his profile. It sounds about right...but what do you think?

-The Chex

....................................................................................................................

Dear....Person that I haven't met before,

 What? What's a Death Note? Is that like, some kind of cartoon porn?  It must be a snuff film with a name like that....now, don't get me wrong,but I like living porn, no one should die at the end of it! It's not good then! That's screwed up man, what if you like thatMatsu....Matshe....da... chick in it? Then you don't get to see her in anything else, and that makes me sad....So, I don't think I like you...The Chex....You're one sick, sad, little girl.  My formal advice is to get help...QUICK!!  And make sure the police don't find out you like watching people die.

Leola: It's an anime RETARD!  It's not a snuff film.  God! Do you think everything through like this?

I answer the questions from your bloggers...not you...I hate you.

Drunken Faun - Santa Claus?

Dear Drunken Faun,

Do you know Santa Claus?  And if so, how do I get the hook-up this year?

Sincerely,

Samantha Wainwright

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ms. Whineright,

Don't even get me started! 

I met that guy at a little mixer a few years ago.  I challenged him to
"Fat Man Can't Drink the Faun Under the Table Before Midnight and
Afterward Gets to Hijack an Eight Reindeer Sleigh for One Hell of a
Night on the Town".  I won, but the reindeer gave me a little trouble
and it took me a few minutes to reach back into my other homosexual
experiences and deduce that they outnumbered me.  Not that I'm against
that kinda thing, but the amount of liquor I consumed in order to
out-drink a 400 pound man in a frilly ass jumpsuit kinda shrunk my
stamina, if you know what I mean.  I could have taken three maybe, but
no seven.  I think one of them was a little shy.

Anyway, after the game and him on the ground trying to find a bowl, I thought
it was the perfect time to play "Let's Pants the Fat Man and Steal His
Sack, Run Around the Dia de Los Muertos Skeletons, Spank the Easter
Bunny on the Ass, and the Start a Conga Line".  Apparently, the fat
bastard didn't think this game was so much fun and so he sat on me.

The things I saw during that experience have scared me to this day.

So the hookup is this.  When you open your front door on Christmas Eve
after a small scratching sound is heard and you read the special note
with the attached envelope, follow all the instructions.  Mostly it'll
be "put this in Santa's milk tonight".  If you can't follow that...then
you should make it count by putting the contents into your own food.

When you see him unconscious the next morning, take your presents and then
call the Drunken Faun.  It'll be on!  I call this "Payback for Sitting
on My Face for Two Hours Laughing at the Tinsel on the Ceiling and Me
Two Hundred Years Later Hitting You Repeatedly With a Shovel and
Burying You With Your Stupid Reindeer".

Jackie:  In other words "yes,...and no, we're on bad terms."

Leola:  What did you slip Santa anyway?

Obviously something that knocked his ass out long enough for me to beat him with a shovel!

Jackie and Leola:  Honestly!

Drunken Faun - Kids Names

Dear Drunken Faun,

What should I name my child?

Millie Arburthnot

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Ms. Allbeernot

What?  Shouldn't you do all the work and stress to organize this?  I mean...you're going to be calling this kid this name until one of you dies.

I'm guessing you want something regal and proud...but since you've kinda given me the go ahead on this, here's my list of favorites.

1.  Pinochle

2.  Studebaker

3.  Rock

4.  Emasculate Conception Catholic Church

5.  Dreidel

6.  Drunken Faun  (that's my first choice)

7.  Wood

8.  and Fedora

I like Fedora...it sounds Italian...and rhymes with scotch.

Leola: Are you just listing things that pop into your head?

A lot of my friends are names Helios Circuit.

Jackie: What?

Yeah, there's Cumulus, and Tacknip...I named my first girlfriend that.

Jackie: What about Cardboard Box?  That's a good name.

But Rock has more dignity to it.  You can only sleep in a box...you can't sleep in a rock.

Drunken Faun - Shopping Cart

Dear Drunken Faun,

   When do you go home?

              Love, Misty.

Dear, Mitzilinzl.....is that German?

It sure sounds German....like, Schnitzel for nitzlllle.  Yeah.

   So, that answers my question about last night, and the creepy footsteps I heard following me. If you want a picture, dear Mistletoe, then all you've gotta do is ask...so, stop making me think that the frikkin homeless guy is following me and trying to steal his cart back. Cuz' I still need it. It carries shit that I can't lift, like.... bumpers, and kegs and bitches and the Smithsonian and-

Jackie: You can't put a museum in a shopping cart.

Leola: You can't be coherent enough to put much of anything in a cart, heck, watching you stumble around in a Target parking lot  while trying to keep a stray cat in the child's seat is...well....it's nonsensically amusing to say the least.

Jackie: That and the chick's name is Misty, not a German food group or parasitical plant, numb nuts.  

  Is that right? well, I gots something for you. In my cart, it's a hearse. Complete with some dude sleeping in the back. Where you'll be, and then, with the fishes.I found IT in the Target parking lot last night.

Jackie and Leola: Well....I say.

Jackie: I've determined that you are not a happy drunk when tequila is concerned.

Leola: Nope, no more Jose for you.

Drunken Faun - Devil Dancing

Dear Drunken Faun,

  Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? 'Cause I have and the bastard's got two left feet.

  - Bunny

Dear Kindred Woodland Creature,

   It depends on what you mean like 'dance' cuz..... the last time I ran into that bastard he was all ready to pony me up.

  Seriously, could you tell me how you got him to just dance with you?  All I suggested was naked Twister and the next thing I knew, I was upside down with a ball gag in my mouth.

Leola: So...did you have fun?

Well.....I didn't enjoy it....but he did. Was smiling the whole time. A big frikkin smile....

Jackie: So I take it that this was one of your infamous 'homosexual' experiences?

Yeah...and it was just one, but it lasted me until Napoleon.

Jackie & Leola: When did it start?

Do you remember this guy named Botticelli?

Drunken Faun - Tootsie Pop

So,
I was wondering, Dear Drunken Faun, How many licks does it take to get
to the center of a tootsie pop? When you're drunk and at Culhane's on
St.Patty's day.

Leola

Sooooo....you finally bucked up and asked me one, huh?  I've been waiting for it.  What about the other one...Jackie?  She got one for me too?  Or are you guys spacing them out to gang up on me?

Leola:  Well, you don't need US to gang up on you.  You've had enough experience with gangs I think.

Shut up you brazen psychopath!  You want the answer or not?

Jackie:  I think you were the one accusing first.

Leola:  Enough.  Let him answer it.

A tootsie pop is sorta like candy with a prize inside right?  That's sorta like that time I met your boyfriend...burn!

Leola:  It would be different if you ever met him.  Try harder next time.

That's what he said!

Leola:  Ah, hell. 

Jackie:  He is drunk you know.  Were you expecting any different?  We do torture him a lot... I was expecting much worse really.

So the answer is...until you get to the center is how many licks it takes.  Now more importantly...when are we leaving to get drunk?  I've only had one bottle of scotch and it's starting to wear off.

Jackie:  God forbid.

Leola:  Thank you Confucius.  I already knew the logic behind the question.

Jackie:  I don't think he has the attention span to finish licking anything, let alone a tootsie pop.

I accept your challenge! 

Drunken Faun - Too Many Questions

Dear Drunken Faun,

Hey, did you see that place last week, next to the pizza joint, How many times did you go to Adams street in 1987, How old were you when you started drinking, How many times has a tree looked at you, Did you see that hehehehehe I'm so high, where's the tacos, I want tacos, they're majicaly delicious and great with sugar, hey, what if the whole Bank Of America building was made out of marshmallow peanuts and we could all eat it, but then we'd have no money....yeah.

Love, really man,

Stoney the Centaur

Dear Dumb, High, Bitch Ass,

Your stupidity just sobered me up.

Jackie & Leola: Whoa.

Yeah, that's right, stoners will sober you up faster than sitting naked on a jet turbine.  So, go sit in your park or crawl back under your friggin pier and go ahead and follow the pretty pink butterflies into traffic! Go sprinkle some flower petals over the leper victims, they'll love it, let 'em give you a big hug!

Leola: So....I take it you don't like potheads?

Jackie: More power to you!  I'm starting to like you a little.

Drunken Faun - Peace with the Universe

Dear Drunken Faun,

Yesterday, I was meditating underneath a waterfall and I believe I have reached euphoria.  Yet I still have one nagging question and seeing as you appear to be an all-knowing mythical creature and come from the realm of the superfluous imagination, you seem to be a good choice for conversation.  What are the secrets of the universe and what do they mean?  Or are there no secrets of the universe and they're just floating around in our psyche?  If they are, have we answered all the questions and there are really none left to ask?  Is everything in balance or just complete chaos?  Please tell me Drunken Faun, so that my chaotic soul can finally be at peace with all.

Mike the Jedi

Dear psychically confused hippie,

My, that's a lot of questions for one night.  You come up with all that on your own...or did your boyfriend help you out?  And by the way...waterfalls are considered torture in some cultures.  Was this like Niagara or a spring gurgle?  How is that calming...it's like Chinese water torture. 

I'll give you a metaphor for the universe man.  It's like them goats that live in trees in that desert place in some part of over there.  Like acorns, nuggats of juicy goodness that Mother Nature throws at your head every once in a while...while your drowning under the waterfall.

Leola: How in the HELL is that a metaphor for the universe!?

It involves the color of the sky.

Jackie: You mean gravity?

Did I say gravity?  No, I didn't.  I said color of the sky...you know.

Leola & Jackie:.....?

That bottle of Listerine you gave me makes me feel all weird.  Tastes...like...stingy.

Leola:  You bastard!!  That was my Absinthe!

Jackie:  You drank that straight?  Ewwww....

What?  What was it?  I thought it was green...candy.  Anyway, back to my questions.

Leola & Jackie: Oh man!

Where was I?  Oh, yeah...mud puddles.

Jackie: The universe.

Same thing.  Okay Hippie, you want to know the secrets of the universe...follow these instructions.  Go to an ATM, then go to a store and cash some ones, locate your local stripper bar, after groping the girl whose been dancing in front for the last half hour nuts the bouncer throwing you out of the bar and then run like a bitch back to your beat up 87 nova by the river.  Hide in the trunk for the rest of the night until a little man with a gun and kinky cuffs drags yous sorry ass back to your house where your mom is waiting to make you pancakes and starch your pants.

Jackie: You just gave that poor guy instructions for getting in trouble.

Nope, gave him an excuse to get his nerdy hippie ass out from behind the computer and live his pathetic life.

Waterfalls my ass. More like his shower.

Drunken Faun - Vampire Days

Have you ever met a vampire?

Victor Von Lichson

Dear Lick my Vicht

Ohhhh....have I ever.  Come on girls!  We're going to Miami!

Jackie: What?  Why?

I said...just get...Why do I repeat myself all the time?  I don't stutter.

Leola: Yeah...much.

I built the still into the trunk so we don't have to stop.  I'll just pee out the window.

Jackie:  To hell you will!!

Let's just go.

(8 hours of riding later)

Leola:  I hate you.

Now, now the cop was real nice...and handsy.  So, now we have to find some Cubans.

Jackie and Leola: (dumbfounded)  We're in Miami asshole!!

We have to find superstitious Cubans.  I think this night club should have some.

Jackie: The Midnight Buffet?  Please tell me this isn't a stripper club.

Leola:  Who exactly are we looking for?

Armand.

Jackie and Leola: (pause) Are you joking?

Do I ever?  Damn!  You guys are slow today.

Jackie:  We're looking for a fictitious character in an Anne Rice novel?

Not looking...found.  See them Chupacabra fans over there? They'll know.  Just let me wave this bite mark on my ass and they'll tell us where to find him.

Leola: Chupacabra?

Jackie:  Roughly translated...Goat Sucker.

Yeah...and I'm part faun.  That's close enough right?

Leola: So the bite mark came from Armand...who is not real...and is indeed fictional?

Well, let's say he's the guy that character was based.

Jackie: Oh, good lord!

Leola:  I'll buy you a drink. This is going to be a long trip.

Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 2

Leola: So, back at club 'Buffet' Jackie and I were in the process of getting sloshed. Because we were in Miami and it seemed as good an excuse as any.

Are you done with your little pre-story now?

Jackie: Shut up! I have heard the word 'mamacita' so many times in the past half hour that I'm ready to slit your throat with this glass...that I'm about to break on this bar....

Why MY throat?

Jackie: Because you're the one that drug us down here to find some goat sucking fake vampire.

He's not fake. He's Russian.

Some Random Cuban: You...know...Chupacabra?

Jackie: You say that like it's the Pope.

Well, he's kind of like, the owner of this place. Here. In this town....Cubaland.

Leola: M.I.A.M.I. Yes, it's an acronym for something that I cannot put on this site.

So, oh smart, great, smelly cuban guy. Where can I find this dude, he's really pretty and has like, this mixed up accent and likes to wear girls tights and fluffy pants and-

Cuban Guy: Oh, Senorita Chupacabra.

No, he's a guy, but he is kinda fruity, so we'll go with yes. Senorita Chupacabra. So......Donde?

Cuban Guy: (Along with his modgepodge of fellow vampire devotees) points to a beautiful balconied house on the next street. ' Senoritaaaaa Chupacabreeeee'

Leola: Wow, it's like a Gregorian chant with rolling r's.

Yeah, it's like a musical of sunbaked toaster pasteries. Makes you feel all warm inside.

Voice from above:  Shut the hell up! I told you I'm not a bloody girl!

Jackie& Leola: God?

Okay, let's just put something straight like right now, I'm the drunk one here! You bitches better learn that I am the...the...Gimme a bottle of something damnit!

Jackie & Leola: (Momentarily distracted by the apperance of the much sought after vampire, rush to him and hug him) Please say something that makes sense!

Armand: What?

Jackie: Say like, the sky is blue, or bacon tastes good, or one sock never comes back from the trip to the dryer.

Armand: The sky is black, I don't eat bacon and I don't like socks.

Jackie: Good enough.

Leola: Oh my God, you are really pretty.

Armand: If I had a nickle for every time I was hit on by a man,

Then you could buy yourself more people to tell you how pretty you are.

Armand: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Leola: Wait, aren't you gay? So, wouldn't you like it when guys hit on you?

Armand: Have you seen my selection?

Jackie: No, but we've seen your fanclub.

Armand: I hope that you two are more reasonable when you're sober.

No, in fact, they're lame as hell. I give 'em all these great ideas and they don't want to do any of it. They suck. Like you, but only in the metaphorical way, not like, you know, with your mouth.....I need more liquor damnit! I haven't made sense in years!

Armand: Why are you here? You made my life a living hell for half a century and almost emptied my bank account allong with my sanity!

Leola: We go inside now!

Jackie: I really like your shoes.

Armand: Yes, thank you, please, come inside.

Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 3

As we walked into the foyer, showers of petals began to fall from the top balconies.

Leola ( lounging on the stairs) Wow...How much do you have to pay for this every night?

Armand: Oh Jesus, they got in the house again...They're like cockroaches...or Raccoons.

Jackie: And sir, I'd watch out for those droppings.

Armand: Ugh! Vulgar! Policio! Policio! Immigration!

Suddenly a cacophony of skittering was heard as dozens of Cubans ran from the house.


Armand: It's the only thing that seems to work. (Sighs sadly and shakes his head) I am reduced to this.

Where...Oh shit, why are we here?

Jackie: Because you said he owes you something...

Leola: Like....something that I can't remember that we drove all the way here for and it seemed stupid....but I really like this place.

Armand: Have some water. PLEASE!

Jackie and Leola: Does it have liquor in it?

Armand: Yes! It has a special liquor in it, one you can't even taste! Drink up!

See! They're stupid! Even I know water dosen't have liquor in it!

Armand: Shut up! (Shoves vodka bottle at Drunken Faun)

Heeyyyy....You don't suck that bad now...

Armand: Didn't I bury you in a hole in the 17hundreds? You should have stayed there.

Well, I still have those photos, of you and-

Armand: I will not have it! Out!

After my nap....

Armand: Bloody Hell... Where are those girls?

(Echoes from upstairs) I love this jacket!
OOOhhhh! Lace!


Armand: Ava maria (Crosses himself and procedes upstairs)

Jackie and Leola: (Pops heads out of closet)

Jackie: Don't worry, we're completely sober now.

Leola: You have a fantastically awesome wardrobe!

Armand: Why, thank you. (Flopps helplessly on bed)

Jackie: Aww, what's wrong? (Crawls on bed)

Leola: You can tell us (Pets his head)

Armand: Just keep petting my hair.

Drunken Faun(Stumbles in) I don't want to see that shit you guys! That's just wrong! Sick and Wrong!

Jackie: What's wrong?

Leola:We're wearing like, three jackets...

Jackie: And this Fedora...

Leola: I like these shoes.

Fedora! That was the name of my child!

(Stunned Silence abounds)

Armand:You spawned with something?

Well, yeah, you remember that chick, hell you don't remember jack shit, I don't even remember!

Armand: Dare I ask what happened to the...product of that illustrious union?

It's under a bridge somewhere...

Jackie and Leola: uuughhh!

Armand: My reaction is silent, for the pain has paralyzed me. Here, (Digs in his pocket) I will give you this for your pain and suffering. (Hands them $20)

That' my twenty bucks!

Jackie and Leola: Screw off, this is for pain and suffering.

Armand: Nonsence, just throw him a bottle and tell him he spent it on a hooker.

Yeah, that's what you did, in't that how you got here, huh? Hooker!

Armand: I'll give you a three second start...it wouldn't be sporting without....

Jackie and Leola: I got $20 bucks on Armand!

Armand: They're now my girls.

Fuck....

Jackie: Yeah! He pays us back!

Leola: And he smells nice...not like goat butt.

Like you know what that smells like,

Leola:It's in my face every fucking morning!

Armand.....three....

Fuck you!

Armand.....two.....

Dill hole! (Hauls ass to the car)

Armand: Fuck sportsmanship.

-In conclusion, yes, we got the twenty dollars. And a good romp out of it!

Dear Drunken Faun - Old Greg Tribute

Dear Drunken Faun,
 .....What are you doing in my bed?......

- Kai







Dear Kiki,

   What does it look like and who are you and why are you looking at me?  Oh, I'm sorry, that's a question within a question, the answer is....I followed some guy named Old Greg here because he said he had some Bailey's for me. 

      He told me something about a shoe but I really don't like drinking liquor out of anything....but maybe lava lamps, and your hat, and the bottle, That one's my favorite....but plastic bags make it taste better...They're kind of tricky, you have to get angle you know....and you can't breathe in....That part sucks.
     
But seriously, Kelly....whatever. Give me some vodka and we'll call it even ok?
 
   Oh, and you might want to worry less about me than what's in your closet...I hear it's from outer space....and it might look like a medicine ball, but it messed up Bootsie Collinsesses house pretty bad.

Jackie & Leola:  Just so you understand the references, here is the youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIInySnQe4I)....and never mind those sheets Kai....It'll be ok....It's just material objects. Memories are what count....

Yeah, just keep telling yourself that every time you read this little bit of advice. 'cuz, you know, it's just like that time that happened the other day. Every thing's gonna be ok...
I'm glad I didn't go with you guys to Destin.

Jackie: Yeah, everyone keeps saying that....

Leola: Asshole

Jackie: At least we weren't stuck in the car with you!

Yeah, but you were stuck in a car, on the side of the road, with truckers...hehehe

Leola: I hate yoooou.

And then, on the way home-

Leola: Don't say it you son of a bitch!

Jackie: You tube, NOW.

Hahahahahahahaa

Asshole!

Drunken Faun - An Affair With Hatred

Dear Drunken Faun,

Is Fedora your only child?

- Got Axlerod? (Check out our myspace!)






Dear...You guys suck,

As a matter of fact, I think and am only 2% sure of that not being a possibility.  The other 100 and 5% is completely up to nature and your mom.
You see, I think something amazing happened the other year or two ago, I had an affair with Leola's hatred. It was a beautiful, and horrible time.
Anyway, I named the child Sunshine Dewdrop Cottoncandy Drunken Faun. And she lives under the bridge with Fedora in a cozy little tea kettle shaped box and yeah.....

Leola: You had an affair with what?

Your hatred

Jackie: Well, she's got plenty of it left so I'm pretty sure that it's not just her's.

Well, that's what she told me, and her name was Sacajawea.....Pumpkin....Sasquatch....Riddalin...

Jackie: Now you're just making this up!

Well, Hatred and I just keep having disagreements so we just keep calling them different things.

Leola: You suck. And It's not my hatred, it's the bum with no teeth living on the corner of Adams and Main.  Get it right!

You're just jealous...that your hatred's getting laid.

Jackie: Here's some vodka, go back to sleep.

Leola: Yeah...so I can bash your head in with this shovel....

What was that?

Jackie and Leola: Nothing...Nazi.

Drunken Faun's - AA Christmas Haikus

Well, seeing as I haven't gotten any...ANY questions lately, I have decided to give you something special.

It's a gift.

Leola has this brother see, and he goes to these meetings, where a bunch of people talk a lot about not being drunk anymore. So I went too. And let me tell you about it.

I went and it was in a church! Little baby Jesus was all asleep in this tiny little crib and it was beautiful, so as it was a party, I decided that stocking stuffers were a good friggin idea. Because everyone likes gifts!

I figure I'd be cheap and get those little bottles of stuff from the liquor store because this party was about a bunch of alcoholics. Like me, it should be great right? NO! It wasn't!
Nobody appreciated me, or my efforts! Except for the Butt Cake that was makin' eyes at me all night.
I took her home but that's for later.

Jackie: A cake has no eyes...and it's a BUNT cake... Not Butt cake.

Shut up! This is my Christmas Ssstory. It's heartwarming. And lovely.

Leola: Whatever.

Exactly. So, before I was so rudely interrupted...I was talking about something...

Jackie: The AA meeting?

Yeah, that was it...and that pretty little cake that was so nice to me, and how it was like making love to a butter filled angel-

Leola: What the Hell!? You're not supposed to have sex with a cake! I was going to have some of it!

Well, what do you expect it was for huh? It had that nice hole in it and everything! If that's not asking for some sweet loving then I don't know what is!

Jackie: Just give us the freaking poetry you demented confectionophile.

I will, but you guys suck and I just want the world to know that.

I went to a meeting
and got a cheap plastic chip
and no liquor
I hope you're happy
now.

There, that's my Haiku.

Jackie & Leola: .............okay.

Wait, wait! I have another one!

J&L: OH God.

Okay, Okay

It was Christmas in the park
I was feeling up some bark
and it was really hot
cuz it was on fire,
cuz I set that fire in the bushes over there

Leola: That doesn't rhyme....

Jackie: Shhhh, let him finish, this might be good...

I strolled over to the bench
and stole the Jack from the wench
and the paper bag
for a hat.
I stared up at the night sky
and I hoped that I'd get high
from the hippies I saw in the park

I tried to find a quiet
place
for me and my butt cake
but instead found two
gay guys making love
instead

I immediately thought of
Armand and was kind of turned on.

Jackie: He's aware that Armand reads this right?

Leola: Awesome!

So after I left the fags
I bumped into an old hag
who wanted to give me a paper flower
that I immediately ate

Jackie: This is the longest Haiku that I've ever seen

No, read the Chinese book

Jackie: Which one?

That one. Now let me finish


Okay,

When I found I still had my confectionery
I went behind the library
and found a bush to sit in
but the mood was not good
so instead I settled on a hood
but nothing was coming up
on either end...

J&L: Nice.

So I hitched a ride from a guy in a van
but he wasn't a big fan
of me loving my cake
in front of him

So he kicked me out
when I went to you two for support
you came up kind of short
and laughed at me in my situation
it wasn't nice
so the conclusion to this story
is that I really hate you guys.

Jackie: Awww, thank you! I didn't know this story was about us!

Leola: I'm speechless....

And I meant Every Friggin word!

Jackie: Bet you're not allowed back at the AA meeting are you?

Leola: And by default I don't have to go anymore, so you did get me a nice gift....and not just that flaming bag of dog crap you left on my porch yesterday.

Stick around and I'll give you guys the rest of that Butt cake.



MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

Drunken Faun - Alone On New Years

dear drunkn faun, how are you///?
from me







hi. i amalone so i have to dothis on my own
and i want to say that i fucking hate you guys even more for diching me.
i have to type this whole thing on my owne

the girls are in dc and its suposd to be this reely grate place that has lots of things that i likee

like liqor and hookrs. i like liqor and hookrs; they are both tasty and good for yur psiche. and health.

so/ i got to use this keybord that they left me with and the dam phone. it rings alot so i have to ansr and iv started to pretend to be chines and mexican. its hard to do at the same time

so thats the reson it looks diffrent i dont tipe or speek english yet good. but i calld armand and he told me that his res      o lu t i  n   yeh thats it. is to pretend i dont exist.hes nice. so the morle of this story is to call alot of peple. it makes them fell
good becaus you think of them and not are having fun in another place that dosent suck. !!!1111