Drunken Faun - Vampire Days

Have you ever met a vampire?

Victor Von Lichson

Dear Lick my Vicht

Ohhhh....have I ever.  Come on girls!  We're going to Miami!

Jackie: What?  Why?

I said...just get...Why do I repeat myself all the time?  I don't stutter.

Leola: Yeah...much.

I built the still into the trunk so we don't have to stop.  I'll just pee out the window.

Jackie:  To hell you will!!

Let's just go.

(8 hours of riding later)

Leola:  I hate you.

Now, now the cop was real nice...and handsy.  So, now we have to find some Cubans.

Jackie and Leola: (dumbfounded)  We're in Miami asshole!!

We have to find superstitious Cubans.  I think this night club should have some.

Jackie: The Midnight Buffet?  Please tell me this isn't a stripper club.

Leola:  Who exactly are we looking for?

Armand.

Jackie and Leola: (pause) Are you joking?

Do I ever?  Damn!  You guys are slow today.

Jackie:  We're looking for a fictitious character in an Anne Rice novel?

Not looking...found.  See them Chupacabra fans over there? They'll know.  Just let me wave this bite mark on my ass and they'll tell us where to find him.

Leola: Chupacabra?

Jackie:  Roughly translated...Goat Sucker.

Yeah...and I'm part faun.  That's close enough right?

Leola: So the bite mark came from Armand...who is not real...and is indeed fictional?

Well, let's say he's the guy that character was based.

Jackie: Oh, good lord!

Leola:  I'll buy you a drink. This is going to be a long trip.

Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 2

Leola: So, back at club 'Buffet' Jackie and I were in the process of getting sloshed. Because we were in Miami and it seemed as good an excuse as any.

Are you done with your little pre-story now?

Jackie: Shut up! I have heard the word 'mamacita' so many times in the past half hour that I'm ready to slit your throat with this glass...that I'm about to break on this bar....

Why MY throat?

Jackie: Because you're the one that drug us down here to find some goat sucking fake vampire.

He's not fake. He's Russian.

Some Random Cuban: You...know...Chupacabra?

Jackie: You say that like it's the Pope.

Well, he's kind of like, the owner of this place. Here. In this town....Cubaland.

Leola: M.I.A.M.I. Yes, it's an acronym for something that I cannot put on this site.

So, oh smart, great, smelly cuban guy. Where can I find this dude, he's really pretty and has like, this mixed up accent and likes to wear girls tights and fluffy pants and-

Cuban Guy: Oh, Senorita Chupacabra.

No, he's a guy, but he is kinda fruity, so we'll go with yes. Senorita Chupacabra. So......Donde?

Cuban Guy: (Along with his modgepodge of fellow vampire devotees) points to a beautiful balconied house on the next street. ' Senoritaaaaa Chupacabreeeee'

Leola: Wow, it's like a Gregorian chant with rolling r's.

Yeah, it's like a musical of sunbaked toaster pasteries. Makes you feel all warm inside.

Voice from above:  Shut the hell up! I told you I'm not a bloody girl!

Jackie& Leola: God?

Okay, let's just put something straight like right now, I'm the drunk one here! You bitches better learn that I am the...the...Gimme a bottle of something damnit!

Jackie & Leola: (Momentarily distracted by the apperance of the much sought after vampire, rush to him and hug him) Please say something that makes sense!

Armand: What?

Jackie: Say like, the sky is blue, or bacon tastes good, or one sock never comes back from the trip to the dryer.

Armand: The sky is black, I don't eat bacon and I don't like socks.

Jackie: Good enough.

Leola: Oh my God, you are really pretty.

Armand: If I had a nickle for every time I was hit on by a man,

Then you could buy yourself more people to tell you how pretty you are.

Armand: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Leola: Wait, aren't you gay? So, wouldn't you like it when guys hit on you?

Armand: Have you seen my selection?

Jackie: No, but we've seen your fanclub.

Armand: I hope that you two are more reasonable when you're sober.

No, in fact, they're lame as hell. I give 'em all these great ideas and they don't want to do any of it. They suck. Like you, but only in the metaphorical way, not like, you know, with your mouth.....I need more liquor damnit! I haven't made sense in years!

Armand: Why are you here? You made my life a living hell for half a century and almost emptied my bank account allong with my sanity!

Leola: We go inside now!

Jackie: I really like your shoes.

Armand: Yes, thank you, please, come inside.

Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 3

As we walked into the foyer, showers of petals began to fall from the top balconies.

Leola ( lounging on the stairs) Wow...How much do you have to pay for this every night?

Armand: Oh Jesus, they got in the house again...They're like cockroaches...or Raccoons.

Jackie: And sir, I'd watch out for those droppings.

Armand: Ugh! Vulgar! Policio! Policio! Immigration!

Suddenly a cacophony of skittering was heard as dozens of Cubans ran from the house.


Armand: It's the only thing that seems to work. (Sighs sadly and shakes his head) I am reduced to this.

Where...Oh shit, why are we here?

Jackie: Because you said he owes you something...

Leola: Like....something that I can't remember that we drove all the way here for and it seemed stupid....but I really like this place.

Armand: Have some water. PLEASE!

Jackie and Leola: Does it have liquor in it?

Armand: Yes! It has a special liquor in it, one you can't even taste! Drink up!

See! They're stupid! Even I know water dosen't have liquor in it!

Armand: Shut up! (Shoves vodka bottle at Drunken Faun)

Heeyyyy....You don't suck that bad now...

Armand: Didn't I bury you in a hole in the 17hundreds? You should have stayed there.

Well, I still have those photos, of you and-

Armand: I will not have it! Out!

After my nap....

Armand: Bloody Hell... Where are those girls?

(Echoes from upstairs) I love this jacket!
OOOhhhh! Lace!


Armand: Ava maria (Crosses himself and procedes upstairs)

Jackie and Leola: (Pops heads out of closet)

Jackie: Don't worry, we're completely sober now.

Leola: You have a fantastically awesome wardrobe!

Armand: Why, thank you. (Flopps helplessly on bed)

Jackie: Aww, what's wrong? (Crawls on bed)

Leola: You can tell us (Pets his head)

Armand: Just keep petting my hair.

Drunken Faun(Stumbles in) I don't want to see that shit you guys! That's just wrong! Sick and Wrong!

Jackie: What's wrong?

Leola:We're wearing like, three jackets...

Jackie: And this Fedora...

Leola: I like these shoes.

Fedora! That was the name of my child!

(Stunned Silence abounds)

Armand:You spawned with something?

Well, yeah, you remember that chick, hell you don't remember jack shit, I don't even remember!

Armand: Dare I ask what happened to the...product of that illustrious union?

It's under a bridge somewhere...

Jackie and Leola: uuughhh!

Armand: My reaction is silent, for the pain has paralyzed me. Here, (Digs in his pocket) I will give you this for your pain and suffering. (Hands them $20)

That' my twenty bucks!

Jackie and Leola: Screw off, this is for pain and suffering.

Armand: Nonsence, just throw him a bottle and tell him he spent it on a hooker.

Yeah, that's what you did, in't that how you got here, huh? Hooker!

Armand: I'll give you a three second start...it wouldn't be sporting without....

Jackie and Leola: I got $20 bucks on Armand!

Armand: They're now my girls.

Fuck....

Jackie: Yeah! He pays us back!

Leola: And he smells nice...not like goat butt.

Like you know what that smells like,

Leola:It's in my face every fucking morning!

Armand.....three....

Fuck you!

Armand.....two.....

Dill hole! (Hauls ass to the car)

Armand: Fuck sportsmanship.

-In conclusion, yes, we got the twenty dollars. And a good romp out of it!