Drunken Faun - Peace with the Universe

Dear Drunken Faun,

Yesterday, I was meditating underneath a waterfall and I believe I have reached euphoria.  Yet I still have one nagging question and seeing as you appear to be an all-knowing mythical creature and come from the realm of the superfluous imagination, you seem to be a good choice for conversation.  What are the secrets of the universe and what do they mean?  Or are there no secrets of the universe and they're just floating around in our psyche?  If they are, have we answered all the questions and there are really none left to ask?  Is everything in balance or just complete chaos?  Please tell me Drunken Faun, so that my chaotic soul can finally be at peace with all.

Mike the Jedi

Dear psychically confused hippie,

My, that's a lot of questions for one night.  You come up with all that on your own...or did your boyfriend help you out?  And by the way...waterfalls are considered torture in some cultures.  Was this like Niagara or a spring gurgle?  How is that calming...it's like Chinese water torture. 

I'll give you a metaphor for the universe man.  It's like them goats that live in trees in that desert place in some part of over there.  Like acorns, nuggats of juicy goodness that Mother Nature throws at your head every once in a while...while your drowning under the waterfall.

Leola: How in the HELL is that a metaphor for the universe!?

It involves the color of the sky.

Jackie: You mean gravity?

Did I say gravity?  No, I didn't.  I said color of the sky...you know.

Leola & Jackie:.....?

That bottle of Listerine you gave me makes me feel all weird.  Tastes...like...stingy.

Leola:  You bastard!!  That was my Absinthe!

Jackie:  You drank that straight?  Ewwww....

What?  What was it?  I thought it was green...candy.  Anyway, back to my questions.

Leola & Jackie: Oh man!

Where was I?  Oh, yeah...mud puddles.

Jackie: The universe.

Same thing.  Okay Hippie, you want to know the secrets of the universe...follow these instructions.  Go to an ATM, then go to a store and cash some ones, locate your local stripper bar, after groping the girl whose been dancing in front for the last half hour nuts the bouncer throwing you out of the bar and then run like a bitch back to your beat up 87 nova by the river.  Hide in the trunk for the rest of the night until a little man with a gun and kinky cuffs drags yous sorry ass back to your house where your mom is waiting to make you pancakes and starch your pants.

Jackie: You just gave that poor guy instructions for getting in trouble.

Nope, gave him an excuse to get his nerdy hippie ass out from behind the computer and live his pathetic life.

Waterfalls my ass. More like his shower.