Drunken Faun - Santa Claus?

Dear Drunken Faun,

Do you know Santa Claus?  And if so, how do I get the hook-up this year?

Sincerely,

Samantha Wainwright

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Dear Ms. Whineright,

Don't even get me started! 

I met that guy at a little mixer a few years ago.  I challenged him to
"Fat Man Can't Drink the Faun Under the Table Before Midnight and
Afterward Gets to Hijack an Eight Reindeer Sleigh for One Hell of a
Night on the Town".  I won, but the reindeer gave me a little trouble
and it took me a few minutes to reach back into my other homosexual
experiences and deduce that they outnumbered me.  Not that I'm against
that kinda thing, but the amount of liquor I consumed in order to
out-drink a 400 pound man in a frilly ass jumpsuit kinda shrunk my
stamina, if you know what I mean.  I could have taken three maybe, but
no seven.  I think one of them was a little shy.

Anyway, after the game and him on the ground trying to find a bowl, I thought
it was the perfect time to play "Let's Pants the Fat Man and Steal His
Sack, Run Around the Dia de Los Muertos Skeletons, Spank the Easter
Bunny on the Ass, and the Start a Conga Line".  Apparently, the fat
bastard didn't think this game was so much fun and so he sat on me.

The things I saw during that experience have scared me to this day.

So the hookup is this.  When you open your front door on Christmas Eve
after a small scratching sound is heard and you read the special note
with the attached envelope, follow all the instructions.  Mostly it'll
be "put this in Santa's milk tonight".  If you can't follow that...then
you should make it count by putting the contents into your own food.

When you see him unconscious the next morning, take your presents and then
call the Drunken Faun.  It'll be on!  I call this "Payback for Sitting
on My Face for Two Hours Laughing at the Tinsel on the Ceiling and Me
Two Hundred Years Later Hitting You Repeatedly With a Shovel and
Burying You With Your Stupid Reindeer".

Jackie:  In other words "yes,...and no, we're on bad terms."

Leola:  What did you slip Santa anyway?

Obviously something that knocked his ass out long enough for me to beat him with a shovel!

Jackie and Leola:  Honestly!