Drunken Faun - Santa Claus?

Dear Drunken Faun,

Do you know Santa Claus?  And if so, how do I get the hook-up this year?

Sincerely,

Samantha Wainwright

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Dear Ms. Whineright,

Don't even get me started! 

I met that guy at a little mixer a few years ago.  I challenged him to
"Fat Man Can't Drink the Faun Under the Table Before Midnight and
Afterward Gets to Hijack an Eight Reindeer Sleigh for One Hell of a
Night on the Town".  I won, but the reindeer gave me a little trouble
and it took me a few minutes to reach back into my other homosexual
experiences and deduce that they outnumbered me.  Not that I'm against
that kinda thing, but the amount of liquor I consumed in order to
out-drink a 400 pound man in a frilly ass jumpsuit kinda shrunk my
stamina, if you know what I mean.  I could have taken three maybe, but
no seven.  I think one of them was a little shy.

Anyway, after the game and him on the ground trying to find a bowl, I thought
it was the perfect time to play "Let's Pants the Fat Man and Steal His
Sack, Run Around the Dia de Los Muertos Skeletons, Spank the Easter
Bunny on the Ass, and the Start a Conga Line".  Apparently, the fat
bastard didn't think this game was so much fun and so he sat on me.

The things I saw during that experience have scared me to this day.

So the hookup is this.  When you open your front door on Christmas Eve
after a small scratching sound is heard and you read the special note
with the attached envelope, follow all the instructions.  Mostly it'll
be "put this in Santa's milk tonight".  If you can't follow that...then
you should make it count by putting the contents into your own food.

When you see him unconscious the next morning, take your presents and then
call the Drunken Faun.  It'll be on!  I call this "Payback for Sitting
on My Face for Two Hours Laughing at the Tinsel on the Ceiling and Me
Two Hundred Years Later Hitting You Repeatedly With a Shovel and
Burying You With Your Stupid Reindeer".

Jackie:  In other words "yes,...and no, we're on bad terms."

Leola:  What did you slip Santa anyway?

Obviously something that knocked his ass out long enough for me to beat him with a shovel!

Jackie and Leola:  Honestly!

Drunken Faun's - AA Christmas Haikus

Well, seeing as I haven't gotten any...ANY questions lately, I have decided to give you something special.

It's a gift.

Leola has this brother see, and he goes to these meetings, where a bunch of people talk a lot about not being drunk anymore. So I went too. And let me tell you about it.

I went and it was in a church! Little baby Jesus was all asleep in this tiny little crib and it was beautiful, so as it was a party, I decided that stocking stuffers were a good friggin idea. Because everyone likes gifts!

I figure I'd be cheap and get those little bottles of stuff from the liquor store because this party was about a bunch of alcoholics. Like me, it should be great right? NO! It wasn't!
Nobody appreciated me, or my efforts! Except for the Butt Cake that was makin' eyes at me all night.
I took her home but that's for later.

Jackie: A cake has no eyes...and it's a BUNT cake... Not Butt cake.

Shut up! This is my Christmas Ssstory. It's heartwarming. And lovely.

Leola: Whatever.

Exactly. So, before I was so rudely interrupted...I was talking about something...

Jackie: The AA meeting?

Yeah, that was it...and that pretty little cake that was so nice to me, and how it was like making love to a butter filled angel-

Leola: What the Hell!? You're not supposed to have sex with a cake! I was going to have some of it!

Well, what do you expect it was for huh? It had that nice hole in it and everything! If that's not asking for some sweet loving then I don't know what is!

Jackie: Just give us the freaking poetry you demented confectionophile.

I will, but you guys suck and I just want the world to know that.

I went to a meeting
and got a cheap plastic chip
and no liquor
I hope you're happy
now.

There, that's my Haiku.

Jackie & Leola: .............okay.

Wait, wait! I have another one!

J&L: OH God.

Okay, Okay

It was Christmas in the park
I was feeling up some bark
and it was really hot
cuz it was on fire,
cuz I set that fire in the bushes over there

Leola: That doesn't rhyme....

Jackie: Shhhh, let him finish, this might be good...

I strolled over to the bench
and stole the Jack from the wench
and the paper bag
for a hat.
I stared up at the night sky
and I hoped that I'd get high
from the hippies I saw in the park

I tried to find a quiet
place
for me and my butt cake
but instead found two
gay guys making love
instead

I immediately thought of
Armand and was kind of turned on.

Jackie: He's aware that Armand reads this right?

Leola: Awesome!

So after I left the fags
I bumped into an old hag
who wanted to give me a paper flower
that I immediately ate

Jackie: This is the longest Haiku that I've ever seen

No, read the Chinese book

Jackie: Which one?

That one. Now let me finish


Okay,

When I found I still had my confectionery
I went behind the library
and found a bush to sit in
but the mood was not good
so instead I settled on a hood
but nothing was coming up
on either end...

J&L: Nice.

So I hitched a ride from a guy in a van
but he wasn't a big fan
of me loving my cake
in front of him

So he kicked me out
when I went to you two for support
you came up kind of short
and laughed at me in my situation
it wasn't nice
so the conclusion to this story
is that I really hate you guys.

Jackie: Awww, thank you! I didn't know this story was about us!

Leola: I'm speechless....

And I meant Every Friggin word!

Jackie: Bet you're not allowed back at the AA meeting are you?

Leola: And by default I don't have to go anymore, so you did get me a nice gift....and not just that flaming bag of dog crap you left on my porch yesterday.

Stick around and I'll give you guys the rest of that Butt cake.



MERRY CHRISTMAS!