Monday, December 27, 2010
Drunken Faun - Death Note Misunderstanding
Dear Drunken Faun,
I was watching DeathNote the other night...it's an anime, a really good one...and I was wondering which DeathNote character you would be? I think you would be Matsuda because you just fit his profile. It sounds about right...but what do you think?
-The Chex
....................................................................................................................
Dear....Person that I haven't met before,
What? What's a Death Note? Is that like, some kind of cartoon porn? It must be a snuff film with a name like that....now, don't get me wrong,but I like living porn, no one should die at the end of it! It's not good then! That's screwed up man, what if you like thatMatsu....Matshe....da... chick in it? Then you don't get to see her in anything else, and that makes me sad....So, I don't think I like you...The Chex....You're one sick, sad, little girl. My formal advice is to get help...QUICK!! And make sure the police don't find out you like watching people die.
Leola: It's an anime RETARD! It's not a snuff film. God! Do you think everything through like this?
I answer the questions from your bloggers...not you...I hate you.
Drunken Faun - Santa Claus?
Dear Drunken Faun,
Do you know Santa Claus? And if so, how do I get the hook-up this year?
Sincerely,
Samantha Wainwright
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Dear Ms. Whineright,
Don't even get me started!
I met that guy at a little mixer a few years ago. I challenged him to
"Fat Man Can't Drink the Faun Under the Table Before Midnight and
Afterward Gets to Hijack an Eight Reindeer Sleigh for One Hell of a
Night on the Town". I won, but the reindeer gave me a little trouble
and it took me a few minutes to reach back into my other homosexual
experiences and deduce that they outnumbered me. Not that I'm against
that kinda thing, but the amount of liquor I consumed in order to
out-drink a 400 pound man in a frilly ass jumpsuit kinda shrunk my
stamina, if you know what I mean. I could have taken three maybe, but
no seven. I think one of them was a little shy.
Anyway, after the game and him on the ground trying to find a bowl, I thought
it was the perfect time to play "Let's Pants the Fat Man and Steal His
Sack, Run Around the Dia de Los Muertos Skeletons, Spank the Easter
Bunny on the Ass, and the Start a Conga Line". Apparently, the fat
bastard didn't think this game was so much fun and so he sat on me.
The things I saw during that experience have scared me to this day.
So the hookup is this. When you open your front door on Christmas Eve
after a small scratching sound is heard and you read the special note
with the attached envelope, follow all the instructions. Mostly it'll
be "put this in Santa's milk tonight". If you can't follow that...then
you should make it count by putting the contents into your own food.
When you see him unconscious the next morning, take your presents and then
call the Drunken Faun. It'll be on! I call this "Payback for Sitting
on My Face for Two Hours Laughing at the Tinsel on the Ceiling and Me
Two Hundred Years Later Hitting You Repeatedly With a Shovel and
Burying You With Your Stupid Reindeer".
Jackie: In other words "yes,...and no, we're on bad terms."
Leola: What did you slip Santa anyway?
Obviously something that knocked his ass out long enough for me to beat him with a shovel!
Jackie and Leola: Honestly!
Drunken Faun - Kids Names
Dear Drunken Faun,
What should I name my child?
Millie Arburthnot
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Dear Ms. Allbeernot
What? Shouldn't you do all the work and stress to organize this? I mean...you're going to be calling this kid this name until one of you dies.
I'm guessing you want something regal and proud...but since you've kinda given me the go ahead on this, here's my list of favorites.
1. Pinochle
2. Studebaker
3. Rock
4. Emasculate Conception Catholic Church
5. Dreidel
6. Drunken Faun (that's my first choice)
7. Wood
8. and Fedora
I like Fedora...it sounds Italian...and rhymes with scotch.
Leola: Are you just listing things that pop into your head?
A lot of my friends are names Helios Circuit.
Jackie: What?
Yeah, there's Cumulus, and Tacknip...I named my first girlfriend that.
Jackie: What about Cardboard Box? That's a good name.
But Rock has more dignity to it. You can only sleep in a box...you can't sleep in a rock.
Drunken Faun - Shopping Cart
Dear Drunken Faun,
When do you go home?
Love, Misty.
Dear, Mitzilinzl.....is that German?
It sure sounds German....like, Schnitzel for nitzlllle. Yeah.
So, that answers my question about last night, and the creepy footsteps I heard following me. If you want a picture, dear Mistletoe, then all you've gotta do is ask...so, stop making me think that the frikkin homeless guy is following me and trying to steal his cart back. Cuz' I still need it. It carries shit that I can't lift, like.... bumpers, and kegs and bitches and the Smithsonian and-
Jackie: You can't put a museum in a shopping cart.
Leola: You can't be coherent enough to put much of anything in a cart, heck, watching you stumble around in a Target parking lot while trying to keep a stray cat in the child's seat is...well....it's nonsensically amusing to say the least.
Jackie: That and the chick's name is Misty, not a German food group or parasitical plant, numb nuts.
Is that right? well, I gots something for you. In my cart, it's a hearse. Complete with some dude sleeping in the back. Where you'll be, and then, with the fishes.I found IT in the Target parking lot last night.
Jackie and Leola: Well....I say.
Jackie: I've determined that you are not a happy drunk when tequila is concerned.
Leola: Nope, no more Jose for you.
Drunken Faun - Devil Dancing
Dear Drunken Faun,
Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? 'Cause I have and the bastard's got two left feet.
- Bunny
Dear Kindred Woodland Creature,
It depends on what you mean like 'dance' cuz..... the last time I ran into that bastard he was all ready to pony me up.
Seriously, could you tell me how you got him to just dance with you? All I suggested was naked Twister and the next thing I knew, I was upside down with a ball gag in my mouth.
Leola: So...did you have fun?
Well.....I didn't enjoy it....but he did. Was smiling the whole time. A big frikkin smile....
Jackie: So I take it that this was one of your infamous 'homosexual' experiences?
Yeah...and it was just one, but it lasted me until Napoleon.
Jackie & Leola: When did it start?
Do you remember this guy named Botticelli?
Drunken Faun - Tootsie Pop
So,
I was wondering, Dear Drunken Faun, How many licks does it take to get
to the center of a tootsie pop? When you're drunk and at Culhane's on
St.Patty's day.
Leola
Sooooo....you finally bucked up and asked me one, huh? I've been waiting for it. What about the other one...Jackie? She got one for me too? Or are you guys spacing them out to gang up on me?
Leola: Well, you don't need US to gang up on you. You've had enough experience with gangs I think.
Shut up you brazen psychopath! You want the answer or not?
Jackie: I think you were the one accusing first.
Leola: Enough. Let him answer it.
A tootsie pop is sorta like candy with a prize inside right? That's sorta like that time I met your boyfriend...burn!
Leola: It would be different if you ever met him. Try harder next time.
That's what he said!
Leola: Ah, hell.
Jackie: He is drunk you know. Were you expecting any different? We do torture him a lot... I was expecting much worse really.
So the answer is...until you get to the center is how many licks it takes. Now more importantly...when are we leaving to get drunk? I've only had one bottle of scotch and it's starting to wear off.
Jackie: God forbid.
Leola: Thank you Confucius. I already knew the logic behind the question.
Jackie: I don't think he has the attention span to finish licking anything, let alone a tootsie pop.
I accept your challenge!
Drunken Faun - Too Many Questions
Dear Drunken Faun,
Hey, did you see that place last week, next to the pizza joint, How many times did you go to Adams street in 1987, How old were you when you started drinking, How many times has a tree looked at you, Did you see that hehehehehe I'm so high, where's the tacos, I want tacos, they're majicaly delicious and great with sugar, hey, what if the whole Bank Of America building was made out of marshmallow peanuts and we could all eat it, but then we'd have no money....yeah.
Love, really man,
Stoney the Centaur
Dear Dumb, High, Bitch Ass,
Your stupidity just sobered me up.
Jackie & Leola: Whoa.
Yeah, that's right, stoners will sober you up faster than sitting naked on a jet turbine. So, go sit in your park or crawl back under your friggin pier and go ahead and follow the pretty pink butterflies into traffic! Go sprinkle some flower petals over the leper victims, they'll love it, let 'em give you a big hug!
Leola: So....I take it you don't like potheads?
Jackie: More power to you! I'm starting to like you a little.
Drunken Faun - Peace with the Universe
Dear Drunken Faun,
Yesterday, I was meditating underneath a waterfall and I believe I have reached euphoria. Yet I still have one nagging question and seeing as you appear to be an all-knowing mythical creature and come from the realm of the superfluous imagination, you seem to be a good choice for conversation. What are the secrets of the universe and what do they mean? Or are there no secrets of the universe and they're just floating around in our psyche? If they are, have we answered all the questions and there are really none left to ask? Is everything in balance or just complete chaos? Please tell me Drunken Faun, so that my chaotic soul can finally be at peace with all.
Mike the Jedi
Dear psychically confused hippie,
My, that's a lot of questions for one night. You come up with all that on your own...or did your boyfriend help you out? And by the way...waterfalls are considered torture in some cultures. Was this like Niagara or a spring gurgle? How is that calming...it's like Chinese water torture.
I'll give you a metaphor for the universe man. It's like them goats that live in trees in that desert place in some part of over there. Like acorns, nuggats of juicy goodness that Mother Nature throws at your head every once in a while...while your drowning under the waterfall.
Leola: How in the HELL is that a metaphor for the universe!?
It involves the color of the sky.
Jackie: You mean gravity?
Did I say gravity? No, I didn't. I said color of the sky...you know.
Leola & Jackie:.....?
That bottle of Listerine you gave me makes me feel all weird. Tastes...like...stingy.
Leola: You bastard!! That was my Absinthe!
Jackie: You drank that straight? Ewwww....
What? What was it? I thought it was green...candy. Anyway, back to my questions.
Leola & Jackie: Oh man!
Where was I? Oh, yeah...mud puddles.
Jackie: The universe.
Same thing. Okay Hippie, you want to know the secrets of the universe...follow these instructions. Go to an ATM, then go to a store and cash some ones, locate your local stripper bar, after groping the girl whose been dancing in front for the last half hour nuts the bouncer throwing you out of the bar and then run like a bitch back to your beat up 87 nova by the river. Hide in the trunk for the rest of the night until a little man with a gun and kinky cuffs drags yous sorry ass back to your house where your mom is waiting to make you pancakes and starch your pants.
Jackie: You just gave that poor guy instructions for getting in trouble.
Nope, gave him an excuse to get his nerdy hippie ass out from behind the computer and live his pathetic life.
Waterfalls my ass. More like his shower.
Drunken Faun - Vampire Days
Have you ever met a vampire?
Victor Von Lichson
Dear Lick my Vicht
Ohhhh....have I ever. Come on girls! We're going to Miami!
Jackie: What? Why?
I said...just get...Why do I repeat myself all the time? I don't stutter.
Leola: Yeah...much.
I built the still into the trunk so we don't have to stop. I'll just pee out the window.
Jackie: To hell you will!!
Let's just go.
(8 hours of riding later)
Leola: I hate you.
Now, now the cop was real nice...and handsy. So, now we have to find some Cubans.
Jackie and Leola: (dumbfounded) We're in Miami asshole!!
We have to find superstitious Cubans. I think this night club should have some.
Jackie: The Midnight Buffet? Please tell me this isn't a stripper club.
Leola: Who exactly are we looking for?
Armand.
Jackie and Leola: (pause) Are you joking?
Do I ever? Damn! You guys are slow today.
Jackie: We're looking for a fictitious character in an Anne Rice novel?
Not looking...found. See them Chupacabra fans over there? They'll know. Just let me wave this bite mark on my ass and they'll tell us where to find him.
Leola: Chupacabra?
Jackie: Roughly translated...Goat Sucker.
Yeah...and I'm part faun. That's close enough right?
Leola: So the bite mark came from Armand...who is not real...and is indeed fictional?
Well, let's say he's the guy that character was based.
Jackie: Oh, good lord!
Leola: I'll buy you a drink. This is going to be a long trip.
Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 2
Leola: So, back at club 'Buffet' Jackie and I were in the process of getting sloshed. Because we were in Miami and it seemed as good an excuse as any.
Are you done with your little pre-story now?
Jackie: Shut up! I have heard the word 'mamacita' so many times in the past half hour that I'm ready to slit your throat with this glass...that I'm about to break on this bar....
Why MY throat?
Jackie: Because you're the one that drug us down here to find some goat sucking fake vampire.
He's not fake. He's Russian.
Some Random Cuban: You...know...Chupacabra?
Jackie: You say that like it's the Pope.
Well, he's kind of like, the owner of this place. Here. In this town....Cubaland.
Leola: M.I.A.M.I. Yes, it's an acronym for something that I cannot put on this site.
So, oh smart, great, smelly cuban guy. Where can I find this dude, he's really pretty and has like, this mixed up accent and likes to wear girls tights and fluffy pants and-
Cuban Guy: Oh, Senorita Chupacabra.
No, he's a guy, but he is kinda fruity, so we'll go with yes. Senorita Chupacabra. So......Donde?
Cuban Guy: (Along with his modgepodge of fellow vampire devotees) points to a beautiful balconied house on the next street. ' Senoritaaaaa Chupacabreeeee'
Leola: Wow, it's like a Gregorian chant with rolling r's.
Yeah, it's like a musical of sunbaked toaster pasteries. Makes you feel all warm inside.
Voice from above: Shut the hell up! I told you I'm not a bloody girl!
Jackie& Leola: God?
Okay, let's just put something straight like right now, I'm the drunk one here! You bitches better learn that I am the...the...Gimme a bottle of something damnit!
Jackie & Leola: (Momentarily distracted by the apperance of the much sought after vampire, rush to him and hug him) Please say something that makes sense!
Armand: What?
Jackie: Say like, the sky is blue, or bacon tastes good, or one sock never comes back from the trip to the dryer.
Armand: The sky is black, I don't eat bacon and I don't like socks.
Jackie: Good enough.
Leola: Oh my God, you are really pretty.
Armand: If I had a nickle for every time I was hit on by a man,
Then you could buy yourself more people to tell you how pretty you are.
Armand: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.
Leola: Wait, aren't you gay? So, wouldn't you like it when guys hit on you?
Armand: Have you seen my selection?
Jackie: No, but we've seen your fanclub.
Armand: I hope that you two are more reasonable when you're sober.
No, in fact, they're lame as hell. I give 'em all these great ideas and they don't want to do any of it. They suck. Like you, but only in the metaphorical way, not like, you know, with your mouth.....I need more liquor damnit! I haven't made sense in years!
Armand: Why are you here? You made my life a living hell for half a century and almost emptied my bank account allong with my sanity!
Leola: We go inside now!
Jackie: I really like your shoes.
Armand: Yes, thank you, please, come inside.
Drunken Faun - Vampire Days Part 3
As we walked into the foyer, showers of petals began to fall from the top balconies.
Leola ( lounging on the stairs) Wow...How much do you have to pay for this every night?
Armand: Oh Jesus, they got in the house again...They're like cockroaches...or Raccoons.
Jackie: And sir, I'd watch out for those droppings.
Armand: Ugh! Vulgar! Policio! Policio! Immigration!
Suddenly a cacophony of skittering was heard as dozens of Cubans ran from the house.
Armand: It's the only thing that seems to work. (Sighs sadly and shakes his head) I am reduced to this.
Where...Oh shit, why are we here?
Jackie: Because you said he owes you something...
Leola: Like....something that I can't remember that we drove all the way here for and it seemed stupid....but I really like this place.
Armand: Have some water. PLEASE!
Jackie and Leola: Does it have liquor in it?
Armand: Yes! It has a special liquor in it, one you can't even taste! Drink up!
See! They're stupid! Even I know water dosen't have liquor in it!
Armand: Shut up! (Shoves vodka bottle at Drunken Faun)
Heeyyyy....You don't suck that bad now...
Armand: Didn't I bury you in a hole in the 17hundreds? You should have stayed there.
Well, I still have those photos, of you and-
Armand: I will not have it! Out!
After my nap....
Armand: Bloody Hell... Where are those girls?
(Echoes from upstairs) I love this jacket!
OOOhhhh! Lace!
Armand: Ava maria (Crosses himself and procedes upstairs)
Jackie and Leola: (Pops heads out of closet)
Jackie: Don't worry, we're completely sober now.
Leola: You have a fantastically awesome wardrobe!
Armand: Why, thank you. (Flopps helplessly on bed)
Jackie: Aww, what's wrong? (Crawls on bed)
Leola: You can tell us (Pets his head)
Armand: Just keep petting my hair.
Drunken Faun(Stumbles in) I don't want to see that shit you guys! That's just wrong! Sick and Wrong!
Jackie: What's wrong?
Leola:We're wearing like, three jackets...
Jackie: And this Fedora...
Leola: I like these shoes.
Fedora! That was the name of my child!
(Stunned Silence abounds)
Armand:You spawned with something?
Well, yeah, you remember that chick, hell you don't remember jack shit, I don't even remember!
Armand: Dare I ask what happened to the...product of that illustrious union?
It's under a bridge somewhere...
Jackie and Leola: uuughhh!
Armand: My reaction is silent, for the pain has paralyzed me. Here, (Digs in his pocket) I will give you this for your pain and suffering. (Hands them $20)
That' my twenty bucks!
Jackie and Leola: Screw off, this is for pain and suffering.
Armand: Nonsence, just throw him a bottle and tell him he spent it on a hooker.
Yeah, that's what you did, in't that how you got here, huh? Hooker!
Armand: I'll give you a three second start...it wouldn't be sporting without....
Jackie and Leola: I got $20 bucks on Armand!
Armand: They're now my girls.
Fuck....
Jackie: Yeah! He pays us back!
Leola: And he smells nice...not like goat butt.
Like you know what that smells like,
Leola:It's in my face every fucking morning!
Armand.....three....
Fuck you!
Armand.....two.....
Dill hole! (Hauls ass to the car)
Armand: Fuck sportsmanship.
-In conclusion, yes, we got the twenty dollars. And a good romp out of it!
Leola ( lounging on the stairs) Wow...How much do you have to pay for this every night?
Armand: Oh Jesus, they got in the house again...They're like cockroaches...or Raccoons.
Jackie: And sir, I'd watch out for those droppings.
Armand: Ugh! Vulgar! Policio! Policio! Immigration!
Suddenly a cacophony of skittering was heard as dozens of Cubans ran from the house.
Armand: It's the only thing that seems to work. (Sighs sadly and shakes his head) I am reduced to this.
Where...Oh shit, why are we here?
Jackie: Because you said he owes you something...
Leola: Like....something that I can't remember that we drove all the way here for and it seemed stupid....but I really like this place.
Armand: Have some water. PLEASE!
Jackie and Leola: Does it have liquor in it?
Armand: Yes! It has a special liquor in it, one you can't even taste! Drink up!
See! They're stupid! Even I know water dosen't have liquor in it!
Armand: Shut up! (Shoves vodka bottle at Drunken Faun)
Heeyyyy....You don't suck that bad now...
Armand: Didn't I bury you in a hole in the 17hundreds? You should have stayed there.
Well, I still have those photos, of you and-
Armand: I will not have it! Out!
After my nap....
Armand: Bloody Hell... Where are those girls?
(Echoes from upstairs) I love this jacket!
OOOhhhh! Lace!
Armand: Ava maria (Crosses himself and procedes upstairs)
Jackie and Leola: (Pops heads out of closet)
Jackie: Don't worry, we're completely sober now.
Leola: You have a fantastically awesome wardrobe!
Armand: Why, thank you. (Flopps helplessly on bed)
Jackie: Aww, what's wrong? (Crawls on bed)
Leola: You can tell us (Pets his head)
Armand: Just keep petting my hair.
Drunken Faun(Stumbles in) I don't want to see that shit you guys! That's just wrong! Sick and Wrong!
Jackie: What's wrong?
Leola:We're wearing like, three jackets...
Jackie: And this Fedora...
Leola: I like these shoes.
Fedora! That was the name of my child!
(Stunned Silence abounds)
Armand:You spawned with something?
Well, yeah, you remember that chick, hell you don't remember jack shit, I don't even remember!
Armand: Dare I ask what happened to the...product of that illustrious union?
It's under a bridge somewhere...
Jackie and Leola: uuughhh!
Armand: My reaction is silent, for the pain has paralyzed me. Here, (Digs in his pocket) I will give you this for your pain and suffering. (Hands them $20)
That' my twenty bucks!
Jackie and Leola: Screw off, this is for pain and suffering.
Armand: Nonsence, just throw him a bottle and tell him he spent it on a hooker.
Yeah, that's what you did, in't that how you got here, huh? Hooker!
Armand: I'll give you a three second start...it wouldn't be sporting without....
Jackie and Leola: I got $20 bucks on Armand!
Armand: They're now my girls.
Fuck....
Jackie: Yeah! He pays us back!
Leola: And he smells nice...not like goat butt.
Like you know what that smells like,
Leola:It's in my face every fucking morning!
Armand.....three....
Fuck you!
Armand.....two.....
Dill hole! (Hauls ass to the car)
Armand: Fuck sportsmanship.
-In conclusion, yes, we got the twenty dollars. And a good romp out of it!
Dear Drunken Faun - Old Greg Tribute
Dear Drunken Faun,
.....What are you doing in my bed?......
- Kai
Dear Kiki,
What does it look like and who are you and why are you looking at me? Oh, I'm sorry, that's a question within a question, the answer is....I followed some guy named Old Greg here because he said he had some Bailey's for me.
He told me something about a shoe but I really don't like drinking liquor out of anything....but maybe lava lamps, and your hat, and the bottle, That one's my favorite....but plastic bags make it taste better...They're kind of tricky, you have to get angle you know....and you can't breathe in....That part sucks.
But seriously, Kelly....whatever. Give me some vodka and we'll call it even ok?
Oh, and you might want to worry less about me than what's in your closet...I hear it's from outer space....and it might look like a medicine ball, but it messed up Bootsie Collinsesses house pretty bad.
Jackie & Leola: Just so you understand the references, here is the youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIInySnQe4I)....and never mind those sheets Kai....It'll be ok....It's just material objects. Memories are what count....
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that every time you read this little bit of advice. 'cuz, you know, it's just like that time that happened the other day. Every thing's gonna be ok...
I'm glad I didn't go with you guys to Destin.
Jackie: Yeah, everyone keeps saying that....
Leola: Asshole
Jackie: At least we weren't stuck in the car with you!
Yeah, but you were stuck in a car, on the side of the road, with truckers...hehehe
Leola: I hate yoooou.
And then, on the way home-
Leola: Don't say it you son of a bitch!
Jackie: You tube, NOW.
Hahahahahahahaa
Asshole!
.....What are you doing in my bed?......
- Kai
Dear Kiki,
What does it look like and who are you and why are you looking at me? Oh, I'm sorry, that's a question within a question, the answer is....I followed some guy named Old Greg here because he said he had some Bailey's for me.
He told me something about a shoe but I really don't like drinking liquor out of anything....but maybe lava lamps, and your hat, and the bottle, That one's my favorite....but plastic bags make it taste better...They're kind of tricky, you have to get angle you know....and you can't breathe in....That part sucks.
But seriously, Kelly....whatever. Give me some vodka and we'll call it even ok?
Oh, and you might want to worry less about me than what's in your closet...I hear it's from outer space....and it might look like a medicine ball, but it messed up Bootsie Collinsesses house pretty bad.
Jackie & Leola: Just so you understand the references, here is the youtube link (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIInySnQe4I)....and never mind those sheets Kai....It'll be ok....It's just material objects. Memories are what count....
Yeah, just keep telling yourself that every time you read this little bit of advice. 'cuz, you know, it's just like that time that happened the other day. Every thing's gonna be ok...
I'm glad I didn't go with you guys to Destin.
Jackie: Yeah, everyone keeps saying that....
Leola: Asshole
Jackie: At least we weren't stuck in the car with you!
Yeah, but you were stuck in a car, on the side of the road, with truckers...hehehe
Leola: I hate yoooou.
And then, on the way home-
Leola: Don't say it you son of a bitch!
Jackie: You tube, NOW.
Hahahahahahahaa
Asshole!
Drunken Faun - An Affair With Hatred
Dear Drunken Faun,
Is Fedora your only child?
- Got Axlerod? (Check out our myspace!)
Dear...You guys suck,
As a matter of fact, I think and am only 2% sure of that not being a possibility. The other 100 and 5% is completely up to nature and your mom.
You see, I think something amazing happened the other year or two ago, I had an affair with Leola's hatred. It was a beautiful, and horrible time.
Anyway, I named the child Sunshine Dewdrop Cottoncandy Drunken Faun. And she lives under the bridge with Fedora in a cozy little tea kettle shaped box and yeah.....
Leola: You had an affair with what?
Your hatred
Jackie: Well, she's got plenty of it left so I'm pretty sure that it's not just her's.
Well, that's what she told me, and her name was Sacajawea.....Pumpkin....Sasquatch....Riddalin...
Jackie: Now you're just making this up!
Well, Hatred and I just keep having disagreements so we just keep calling them different things.
Leola: You suck. And It's not my hatred, it's the bum with no teeth living on the corner of Adams and Main. Get it right!
You're just jealous...that your hatred's getting laid.
Jackie: Here's some vodka, go back to sleep.
Leola: Yeah...so I can bash your head in with this shovel....
What was that?
Jackie and Leola: Nothing...Nazi.
Is Fedora your only child?
- Got Axlerod? (Check out our myspace!)
Dear...You guys suck,
As a matter of fact, I think and am only 2% sure of that not being a possibility. The other 100 and 5% is completely up to nature and your mom.
You see, I think something amazing happened the other year or two ago, I had an affair with Leola's hatred. It was a beautiful, and horrible time.
Anyway, I named the child Sunshine Dewdrop Cottoncandy Drunken Faun. And she lives under the bridge with Fedora in a cozy little tea kettle shaped box and yeah.....
Leola: You had an affair with what?
Your hatred
Jackie: Well, she's got plenty of it left so I'm pretty sure that it's not just her's.
Well, that's what she told me, and her name was Sacajawea.....Pumpkin....Sasquatch....Riddalin...
Jackie: Now you're just making this up!
Well, Hatred and I just keep having disagreements so we just keep calling them different things.
Leola: You suck. And It's not my hatred, it's the bum with no teeth living on the corner of Adams and Main. Get it right!
You're just jealous...that your hatred's getting laid.
Jackie: Here's some vodka, go back to sleep.
Leola: Yeah...so I can bash your head in with this shovel....
What was that?
Jackie and Leola: Nothing...Nazi.
Drunken Faun's - AA Christmas Haikus
Well, seeing as I haven't gotten any...ANY questions lately, I have decided to give you something special.
It's a gift.
Leola has this brother see, and he goes to these meetings, where a bunch of people talk a lot about not being drunk anymore. So I went too. And let me tell you about it.
I went and it was in a church! Little baby Jesus was all asleep in this tiny little crib and it was beautiful, so as it was a party, I decided that stocking stuffers were a good friggin idea. Because everyone likes gifts!
I figure I'd be cheap and get those little bottles of stuff from the liquor store because this party was about a bunch of alcoholics. Like me, it should be great right? NO! It wasn't!
Nobody appreciated me, or my efforts! Except for the Butt Cake that was makin' eyes at me all night.
I took her home but that's for later.
Jackie: A cake has no eyes...and it's a BUNT cake... Not Butt cake.
Shut up! This is my Christmas Ssstory. It's heartwarming. And lovely.
Leola: Whatever.
Exactly. So, before I was so rudely interrupted...I was talking about something...
Jackie: The AA meeting?
Yeah, that was it...and that pretty little cake that was so nice to me, and how it was like making love to a butter filled angel-
Leola: What the Hell!? You're not supposed to have sex with a cake! I was going to have some of it!
Well, what do you expect it was for huh? It had that nice hole in it and everything! If that's not asking for some sweet loving then I don't know what is!
Jackie: Just give us the freaking poetry you demented confectionophile.
I will, but you guys suck and I just want the world to know that.
I went to a meeting
and got a cheap plastic chip
and no liquor
I hope you're happy
now.
There, that's my Haiku.
Jackie & Leola: .............okay.
Wait, wait! I have another one!
J&L: OH God.
Okay, Okay
It was Christmas in the park
I was feeling up some bark
and it was really hot
cuz it was on fire,
cuz I set that fire in the bushes over there
Leola: That doesn't rhyme....
Jackie: Shhhh, let him finish, this might be good...
I strolled over to the bench
and stole the Jack from the wench
and the paper bag
for a hat.
I stared up at the night sky
and I hoped that I'd get high
from the hippies I saw in the park
I tried to find a quiet
place
for me and my butt cake
but instead found two
gay guys making love
instead
I immediately thought of
Armand and was kind of turned on.
Jackie: He's aware that Armand reads this right?
Leola: Awesome!
So after I left the fags
I bumped into an old hag
who wanted to give me a paper flower
that I immediately ate
Jackie: This is the longest Haiku that I've ever seen
No, read the Chinese book
Jackie: Which one?
That one. Now let me finish
Okay,
When I found I still had my confectionery
I went behind the library
and found a bush to sit in
but the mood was not good
so instead I settled on a hood
but nothing was coming up
on either end...
J&L: Nice.
So I hitched a ride from a guy in a van
but he wasn't a big fan
of me loving my cake
in front of him
So he kicked me out
when I went to you two for support
you came up kind of short
and laughed at me in my situation
it wasn't nice
so the conclusion to this story
is that I really hate you guys.
Jackie: Awww, thank you! I didn't know this story was about us!
Leola: I'm speechless....
And I meant Every Friggin word!
Jackie: Bet you're not allowed back at the AA meeting are you?
Leola: And by default I don't have to go anymore, so you did get me a nice gift....and not just that flaming bag of dog crap you left on my porch yesterday.
Stick around and I'll give you guys the rest of that Butt cake.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Drunken Faun - Alone On New Years
dear drunkn faun, how are you///?
from me
hi. i amalone so i have to dothis on my own
and i want to say that i fucking hate you guys even more for diching me.
i have to type this whole thing on my owne
the girls are in dc and its suposd to be this reely grate place that has lots of things that i likee
like liqor and hookrs. i like liqor and hookrs; they are both tasty and good for yur psiche. and health.
so/ i got to use this keybord that they left me with and the dam phone. it rings alot so i have to ansr and iv started to pretend to be chines and mexican. its hard to do at the same time
so thats the reson it looks diffrent i dont tipe or speek english yet good. but i calld armand and he told me that his res o lu t i n yeh thats it. is to pretend i dont exist.hes nice. so the morle of this story is to call alot of peple. it makes them fell
good becaus you think of them and not are having fun in another place that dosent suck. !!!1111
from me
hi. i amalone so i have to dothis on my own
and i want to say that i fucking hate you guys even more for diching me.
i have to type this whole thing on my owne
the girls are in dc and its suposd to be this reely grate place that has lots of things that i likee
like liqor and hookrs. i like liqor and hookrs; they are both tasty and good for yur psiche. and health.
so/ i got to use this keybord that they left me with and the dam phone. it rings alot so i have to ansr and iv started to pretend to be chines and mexican. its hard to do at the same time
so thats the reson it looks diffrent i dont tipe or speek english yet good. but i calld armand and he told me that his res o lu t i n yeh thats it. is to pretend i dont exist.hes nice. so the morle of this story is to call alot of peple. it makes them fell
good becaus you think of them and not are having fun in another place that dosent suck. !!!1111
Drunken Faun - Ghost Fun
Jackie: There is no direct question for this so I guess it will just have to be put in story form.
Leola: Indeed. Drunken Faun is being pranked right now and it was all a mistake! How I wish we thought of this!
Jackie: Right now we are watching one of more entertaining shows, Ghost Adventures. Note our surprise when they were on their way to an investigation when they were told by a local bar owner that Drunken Faun was an expert belligerent ghost attractor. In reality he was just trying to get Drunken Faun out of the bar at any cost and though this was a devious misconception, he decided to take that opportunity.
Jackie: And this is a running account of the conversation that started and the mayhem that ensued afterward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wher're we going? This isn't the way back.
Zak: No we're taking the long way this time.
Long way? Have I met you guys before? I don't recognize your face...or ...face.
Zak: So how exactly do you get the ghosts riled up?
Well, I've never really hear them called that before, but it works better than most.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: Well...(fuming) gun cocks silently
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, first you gotta call 'em really ugly names...like...ugly..or fat..that one gets 'em a lot. Bitch works a lot too. Especially with the smaller one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: I really am going to kill him this time around, aren't I?
Jackie: Your asking the other ugly fat bitch in the room? I don't even think we have a choice anymore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aaron: Let's just see if those tactics work. And remember to ask if their in the room or not so you can get a definitive response.
Oh, you'll get a response alright. One good slap in the face is a norm for me.
Zak: Awesome! Could you ask them to hit me?
If you call them bitch in a bad way and not the way they like it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie: And by this time they pull up, walk around the front, navigate the asshole inside...and the moment they lock the door behind him...classic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Na, I don't like that man. This happened to me at a bad party once and it really didn't end well, with me being tied to a lamp shape and shit. I think Satan was involved but he's a crafty bastard and nobody believes the drunk one.
Nick: So you've had to real experiences before, huh?
Where the hell did you come from! Just popped out of nowhere!
Zak: So we're about to turn off the lights and turn on the static night vision camera's.
What? No you're not!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: Then.. the lights go off and the girlish scream that came from the TV made our blood curdle. Totally worth the phone call now!
Jackie: For those of you confused...we bribed the bartender. So, the story continues in this abandoned microbrewery. The best part was when he found out that there was no beer and that it was once micro brewed: two deaths from which there was no hope.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: So many people died here you know?
I wouldn't doubt it. They probably all jump off the tower out of shame.
Nick: Is there anyone here?
Yeah. We are stupid. Who are you talking to.
Aaron: Ghosts.
Those bitches are here?@! Come out you fat, over obsessed bitches! This was funny but I know you two had something to do with it! You know how I am around empty bottles...and micro brewed ones at that! I hate you guys! And who are these weird guys who want to hang out with me in the dark with cameras?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: (laughing so hard we fell on the ground...for you texters...LOL.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: That's it! Get 'em out here!
Damn right I'm gonna! You better...heeeyyy...which one of you just touched me?
Nick: You're feeling stuff?
Right now a bit violated...and a little creepy.
Aaron: That could be them.
Them who? Cause the girls are too repulsed by me to actually touch me. Yell at me, hit me, but not touch me...like that. Who the hell said that?!
Nick: You heard something too?
It said something about wanting energy...but I don't think it said it in a good...drunken faun kinda way.
(playing back the audio) "Suck....want you're energy."
Suck on this! (flails middle finger up) You want it, come get it!
Aaron: Shhh! What was that?
I think it was your mom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie: Good one.
Leola: I'm kinda proud of that. Sure hope he's not going to miss this vodka while he's gone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(moving into the next room closer to the strange noise they heard earlier.)
Nick: Is there anyone here?
(death rattle is hear with some shuffling on the floor)
Well, I'm sober.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: Whoa!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: Did you just hear that? It sounded like a child in the next room.
Really, cause I just heard an emo kid running in the night. Their always crying bout something.
Aaron: Poor guy probably needs our help.
I didn't bring a gun with me. That's all the help they need really. Maybe a porno mag and some cloves....ohhh!!! Can't do that anymore! Sucker!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: Well...I'm back to killing him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: I think we've collected enough evidence to take it back to the lab.
:sighs: Alright, but I have to warn you I'll need something to help me do anything kinky.
(Once back at the house, Drunken Faun was unusually....sober.)
Jackie: This is a new you. I would offer you Vodka...but we drank that.
That's not a problem, I drank some detergent a few minutes ago. It'll do the trick good.
Leola: Soooo...what did ya think of doing Ghost Adventures?
I think you two are evil, and you're now jealous of me.
Jackie: How so? I don't think my highest ambition is to skinny dip in an arctic pool with four Mexican immigrants cause they brought the whole family.
No...but that was cool. Na, I got to check out Zak's ass up close when I tripped on Nick when he was busy trying to get the feel of another morgue table.
Leola: Ahh...yeah, maybe a bit. But, you now have a problem.
With what.
Leola: (holds gun up to head) 'Fat'?
Did I say fat? I really meant you're stupid.
Leola: (cocks gun)
Jackie: We have to keep around a bit longer...there are so many other tv shows he could be on...like Shark Week. And Man vs. Wild. Or Mythbusters.
Leola: Ohhh, that's a good one. Cause he's already a myth and all.
Aren't you two torture enough?
Leola: Indeed. Drunken Faun is being pranked right now and it was all a mistake! How I wish we thought of this!
Jackie: Right now we are watching one of more entertaining shows, Ghost Adventures. Note our surprise when they were on their way to an investigation when they were told by a local bar owner that Drunken Faun was an expert belligerent ghost attractor. In reality he was just trying to get Drunken Faun out of the bar at any cost and though this was a devious misconception, he decided to take that opportunity.
Jackie: And this is a running account of the conversation that started and the mayhem that ensued afterward.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wher're we going? This isn't the way back.
Zak: No we're taking the long way this time.
Long way? Have I met you guys before? I don't recognize your face...or ...face.
Zak: So how exactly do you get the ghosts riled up?
Well, I've never really hear them called that before, but it works better than most.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: Well...(fuming) gun cocks silently
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, first you gotta call 'em really ugly names...like...ugly..or fat..that one gets 'em a lot. Bitch works a lot too. Especially with the smaller one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: I really am going to kill him this time around, aren't I?
Jackie: Your asking the other ugly fat bitch in the room? I don't even think we have a choice anymore.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aaron: Let's just see if those tactics work. And remember to ask if their in the room or not so you can get a definitive response.
Oh, you'll get a response alright. One good slap in the face is a norm for me.
Zak: Awesome! Could you ask them to hit me?
If you call them bitch in a bad way and not the way they like it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie: And by this time they pull up, walk around the front, navigate the asshole inside...and the moment they lock the door behind him...classic.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Na, I don't like that man. This happened to me at a bad party once and it really didn't end well, with me being tied to a lamp shape and shit. I think Satan was involved but he's a crafty bastard and nobody believes the drunk one.
Nick: So you've had to real experiences before, huh?
Where the hell did you come from! Just popped out of nowhere!
Zak: So we're about to turn off the lights and turn on the static night vision camera's.
What? No you're not!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: Then.. the lights go off and the girlish scream that came from the TV made our blood curdle. Totally worth the phone call now!
Jackie: For those of you confused...we bribed the bartender. So, the story continues in this abandoned microbrewery. The best part was when he found out that there was no beer and that it was once micro brewed: two deaths from which there was no hope.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: So many people died here you know?
I wouldn't doubt it. They probably all jump off the tower out of shame.
Nick: Is there anyone here?
Yeah. We are stupid. Who are you talking to.
Aaron: Ghosts.
Those bitches are here?@! Come out you fat, over obsessed bitches! This was funny but I know you two had something to do with it! You know how I am around empty bottles...and micro brewed ones at that! I hate you guys! And who are these weird guys who want to hang out with me in the dark with cameras?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: (laughing so hard we fell on the ground...for you texters...LOL.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: That's it! Get 'em out here!
Damn right I'm gonna! You better...heeeyyy...which one of you just touched me?
Nick: You're feeling stuff?
Right now a bit violated...and a little creepy.
Aaron: That could be them.
Them who? Cause the girls are too repulsed by me to actually touch me. Yell at me, hit me, but not touch me...like that. Who the hell said that?!
Nick: You heard something too?
It said something about wanting energy...but I don't think it said it in a good...drunken faun kinda way.
(playing back the audio) "Suck....want you're energy."
Suck on this! (flails middle finger up) You want it, come get it!
Aaron: Shhh! What was that?
I think it was your mom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie: Good one.
Leola: I'm kinda proud of that. Sure hope he's not going to miss this vodka while he's gone.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
(moving into the next room closer to the strange noise they heard earlier.)
Nick: Is there anyone here?
(death rattle is hear with some shuffling on the floor)
Well, I'm sober.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Leola: Whoa!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: Did you just hear that? It sounded like a child in the next room.
Really, cause I just heard an emo kid running in the night. Their always crying bout something.
Aaron: Poor guy probably needs our help.
I didn't bring a gun with me. That's all the help they need really. Maybe a porno mag and some cloves....ohhh!!! Can't do that anymore! Sucker!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leola: Well...I'm back to killing him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zak: I think we've collected enough evidence to take it back to the lab.
:sighs: Alright, but I have to warn you I'll need something to help me do anything kinky.
(Once back at the house, Drunken Faun was unusually....sober.)
Jackie: This is a new you. I would offer you Vodka...but we drank that.
That's not a problem, I drank some detergent a few minutes ago. It'll do the trick good.
Leola: Soooo...what did ya think of doing Ghost Adventures?
I think you two are evil, and you're now jealous of me.
Jackie: How so? I don't think my highest ambition is to skinny dip in an arctic pool with four Mexican immigrants cause they brought the whole family.
No...but that was cool. Na, I got to check out Zak's ass up close when I tripped on Nick when he was busy trying to get the feel of another morgue table.
Leola: Ahh...yeah, maybe a bit. But, you now have a problem.
With what.
Leola: (holds gun up to head) 'Fat'?
Did I say fat? I really meant you're stupid.
Leola: (cocks gun)
Jackie: We have to keep around a bit longer...there are so many other tv shows he could be on...like Shark Week. And Man vs. Wild. Or Mythbusters.
Leola: Ohhh, that's a good one. Cause he's already a myth and all.
Aren't you two torture enough?
Drunken Faun - Online Quiz Answers
Dear Drunken Faun,
I made this quiz for you. I really think that you would like it.
It's a kinky little quiz that might just make you happy.
Call me!
114-452-7299
BabyLuxx
Dear Sexy Mamma,
I am flattered, and I would be happy to reply to your inquiry. The girls started laughing when they saw your number but I thought that it was nice and trusting-like. Ok. Here's the first of my lithiographic decide.....yeah.
Jackie: Stop trying to sound intelligent and answer the bloody quiz.
4
6
I made this quiz for you. I really think that you would like it.
It's a kinky little quiz that might just make you happy.
Call me!
114-452-7299
BabyLuxx
Dear Sexy Mamma,
I am flattered, and I would be happy to reply to your inquiry. The girls started laughing when they saw your number but I thought that it was nice and trusting-like. Ok. Here's the first of my lithiographic decide.....yeah.
Jackie: Stop trying to sound intelligent and answer the bloody quiz.
1
Which of these best describes you?
I hate everyone in this room with me....except for me...I love me.
Jackie and Leola: You got that right!
2
Which of these music genres appeals to you most?
DF: I heard this new band that I heard on the radio the other day
Jackie: that was a jingle for Viagra and Pizza Hut.
DF: Yeah, it kind of melded together and stuff. It was like Jesus was talking to me again in that bush on the side street in the side town that we went to last week....yeah....real spiritual.
3
What climate do you live in?
What does it mean to you to allow another person to fully love you?
This is a pussy question! I only let them fall in love once and that was a mistake involving a half used ketchup bottle and some fries!
5
What in life, is beautiful to you?
Liquor bottles....and your mom. and for some reason....I really like looking at yeast dough....and M&M chips....My eyes cross...It's nice.
Pick one, at random.
I fell for this once, it's not happening again suckers! It involved a clown and a cardboard box! and you can just go back to your convenience store and suck on your slurpy! It's the only thing you're going to suck on! Nerd!
7
Have you ever had your heart broken?
Unless you count that time that someone stabbed me with a sword...no...but if that's what you mean...then yes.
8
Pick one.
This is just like the num..number...I mean letter question. NO!
9
Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Does that involve a coke bottle? 'Cus I might think about it.
10
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Burbon...rum....liquor...el torino...lighter fluid....cardboard box...yellow fried chicken...and on a late night Armand. He might be a bitch but his perfume tastes...well it kind of tastes like a scone.
OMG! JUSTIN BIEBER IN NYC! Do you want to see him play live?
OMG? Who's that? Isn't Justin Barber that kid from leave it to Beaver? Or that doctor kid that turned out to be gay? no, no I'm thinking of Walter Matthou isn't he dead? I mean, that's one hell of a truck if he's not?
J&L: You're an idiot
DF: And who's NYC? He sounds hot. He might be able to hook me up? give me the low down?
J&L: What are you talking about?!
Isn't that how you guys talk when you're alone and being stupid?
J&L: No, that's how you talk after watching the BET all night.Drunken Faun - Bad, Bad Prohibition
Dear Drunken Faun,
If you are as old as you say you are...then you most likely lived through Prohibition in the 1930's in America. If so, then how did you manage to survive without a drop of liquor to drink?
Sincerely
Ben Jurken
Dear Ben Juerk-off,
First, I'm real sorry about your most unfortunate name. No one likes you...not even your parents. Second...what the HELL are you talking about?! No liquor? That never happened!
Leola: Yeah it did dumb-ass. Back in the day...way long ago...back when you still had a way with the ladies.
Jackie: ..and the goats and chickens..and...
Shut-up! I can still have a good time with all that! But what is this Probiotic thing you guys say happened with liquor? I was around back then. I caught a ship for the newish land and there was a giant woman who held a flame for me and a big party going down on this island...must have been exclusive cause only foreigners were allowed.
Leola: I can't...even..no, I won't even get into this.
Jackie: Anyway, that was about 15 years before the start of Prohibition. Where were you during the 1930's?
Like... all the 30's or just what I can remember?
Jackie: Well, what can you remember?
Not much really.
Leola: That does not shock in the least bit.
It wasn't all my fault. Drinks were bad then and some were even made in a bathtub...which was a dream come true for me but they seemed to get really mad at me being in there when they were trying to fill bottles.
Leola: I didn't think the term was "Hair of the Goat".
Yeah, some of that caught slipped into some of the luckier bottles. The poor saps that drank that got a little surprise after.
Jackie: Oh...that is so wrong.
Don't seemed so shocked I normally groom in the kitchen at your house. Did you enjoy your muffins this morning?
Jackie: You son of a bitch!!
It's all right, I bathe in Spring showers.
..Leola: It's the middle of August!
Then it's been a while. Anyway, I was able to get a free drink easy. I just went down to the barrel busting that happened about every Friday, laid in the gutters and...
Leola: Shut it!
Jackie: So you lived in the gutters throughout the 30's?
Nah, I shacked up with this nice little dalmatian retriever mix during the week. I only lived in the gutters on the weekends.
Leola: Okay, before he grosses us out anymore, I think we should stop.
Jackie: Agreed. I hope that answers the question cause he is truly making me ill.
I should tell you two about the time in England I met the mythical Hairy Hands of Dartmoor and we had a nice touchy feely night.
Jackie & Leola: Sick ass bastard!
I'll save that one for next time.
If you are as old as you say you are...then you most likely lived through Prohibition in the 1930's in America. If so, then how did you manage to survive without a drop of liquor to drink?
Sincerely
Ben Jurken
Dear Ben Juerk-off,
First, I'm real sorry about your most unfortunate name. No one likes you...not even your parents. Second...what the HELL are you talking about?! No liquor? That never happened!
Leola: Yeah it did dumb-ass. Back in the day...way long ago...back when you still had a way with the ladies.
Jackie: ..and the goats and chickens..and...
Shut-up! I can still have a good time with all that! But what is this Probiotic thing you guys say happened with liquor? I was around back then. I caught a ship for the newish land and there was a giant woman who held a flame for me and a big party going down on this island...must have been exclusive cause only foreigners were allowed.
Leola: I can't...even..no, I won't even get into this.
Jackie: Anyway, that was about 15 years before the start of Prohibition. Where were you during the 1930's?
Like... all the 30's or just what I can remember?
Jackie: Well, what can you remember?
Not much really.
Leola: That does not shock in the least bit.
It wasn't all my fault. Drinks were bad then and some were even made in a bathtub...which was a dream come true for me but they seemed to get really mad at me being in there when they were trying to fill bottles.
Leola: I didn't think the term was "Hair of the Goat".
Yeah, some of that caught slipped into some of the luckier bottles. The poor saps that drank that got a little surprise after.
Jackie: Oh...that is so wrong.
Don't seemed so shocked I normally groom in the kitchen at your house. Did you enjoy your muffins this morning?
Jackie: You son of a bitch!!
It's all right, I bathe in Spring showers.
..Leola: It's the middle of August!
Then it's been a while. Anyway, I was able to get a free drink easy. I just went down to the barrel busting that happened about every Friday, laid in the gutters and...
Leola: Shut it!
Jackie: So you lived in the gutters throughout the 30's?
Nah, I shacked up with this nice little dalmatian retriever mix during the week. I only lived in the gutters on the weekends.
Leola: Okay, before he grosses us out anymore, I think we should stop.
Jackie: Agreed. I hope that answers the question cause he is truly making me ill.
I should tell you two about the time in England I met the mythical Hairy Hands of Dartmoor and we had a nice touchy feely night.
Jackie & Leola: Sick ass bastard!
I'll save that one for next time.
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