Drunken Faun - Halloween Costume

Dear Drunken Faun,

   What are you dressing up for this Halloween?

   Quite Interested,
   Julio Hunterport

Dear Huntsterjew,

   That is a seriously offensitive comment!  Why, I have never heard sucha thing before!  Costumes?  I don't need to use costumes!

Jackie and Leola: ....

And I would aprreciate if you stayed on your side of the tracks and play with your dollar girls instead of your..

Leola:  AND you stop.

What?  I'm telling him off, you shut it or I'll make you another dirty martini!

Jackie:  Firstly, we know better than to drink anything you make for we know it involves a dirty sock or dryer lint.

Leola:  Second, you have no idea what the question is do you?

(After a few minutes of confused explanation, we set it straight)

Oh!  Costumes!  Like dress up stuff?  Well, I had some great get ups in my time.  I had a goat...and a goat...and a woman's underpant suit thingy from the 1800's.  A little advice when doing dress up, make sure you play for your team if you get my drift.  I really like Carnival and Mardis Gras...it's a lot of fun screwing around then.  Like this one time, I got into a bar fight over some liquor and it happened at night so it was dark...

Jackie:  Oh, the stories you tell.

Yeah, and it was late and I was drunk and I hid in a corner after hitting this other guy cause I stole his liquor when I couln't get that other one back and...

Leola:  Does this have anything to do with Halloween?

What's that?  Some kinda fruity disease? Like the kind you get in the jello pool filled with strange things like bikes and stuff?

Jackie:  How drunk are you?

Leola:  You have to ask?

But I'm curious what is it?

Leola:  The time of year you dress up in scary to sexy costumes, blowing stuff up, drinking, and talk to ghosts and stuff.

So basically what you two do everyday.

Jackie and Leola: ....yeah.  Pretty much.  Only we get candy for doing it.

Liquor filled candy?  Cause if that's the case sign me up! 

Jackie:  The question was, what would you dress up as?

Oh, right!  I would say a goat.  Or a chupacabra.  That's like my version of a vampire.  You know, I think I could find something sexy about it that you two perverts do with those vampire movies you like.

Leola:  Do not doubt it.

Drunken Faun - Well...What Kind of Monk?

Dear Drunken Faun,
  I was watching the Horrible Histories the other day, and they had a commercial about Monks. We sell any monk. Any-any-any-any monk! And I was wondering, what kind of monk would you buy?
- Hortense Mansini

Disclaimer: ( These are not our views, they belong entirely to Drunken Faun)


Dear Horseface Manchester,
   Do you have Turrets or something? 'Cus that was a lot of "anys". But yeah...by any monk, did you mean an old one that mumbles to himself or one of those spry, filly lookin' things that're all skippy and shit?
I had this one friend, you know, back in the day, that had one of those monk things. He found it somewhere and gave it a good home.

   An let me tell you, that monk could do all kinds of shit, you know, like that book-learning and writing shit. And he could fold a sheet like you've never seen before!

   He was really hard to take care of, with all the feeding and stuff, but he had this book see? It was this really big book and he would read us stories out of it. It was about this guy named Jewsuitos Crisco... Yeah, I think that was his name...but anyway, he would do all this cool shit like, catch flying fish and turn water into wine and shit like that. Man! He was one hell of a party guest I'll tell you what! I think every person around wanted that guy to crash their party.

   He did do a lot of kinky shit though, like letting these guys that followed him around wash his feet and other parts where guys made out with other people. I think there was this part about necrophilia, but I don't exactly remember.


   So yeah, besides you wanting to go buy some monk guy, I think you should do like my friend did. Just take a cruise to some island like Scottsdale or something like that, and find a nice, free-ranging monk. I hear they like soft grass and a breezy rock cliff. You know, to get some wind under those robes. It gets real hot in there and they don't like taking them off.

   And be sure to have a large supply of un-lemoned bread. They don't like that sour stuff too much.

Jackie: You're a moron.

Leola: Any other words of wisdom you would like to convey before you go to Hell?

   Oh!  And you have to remember to wash them after they frolic in the bogs...my friend forgot that too and man did he have a mess on his hands later!  And don't....were you makin' fun of my ass just then?  Why am I going to Hell when you two are the ones thinking of underage girls all the time?

Leola: What the hell are you talking about?  We have never looked at underage girls before!  Nor will we ever!

   What about that folder on your computer that has all those girls in it?

Leola:  ......

Jackie:  Ah!  He means your Asian folder. ::snicker::

Leola:  They are not girls!  If I have to explain this to you I will.

   No, no explanation is needed.  I already know you have problems.  Explaining them will not help you at all.

Leola:  Anyway, back to the monks!

   Ah yes.  Putting aside the fact that these two are going to Hell I'll finish.

Jackie: I hate you and besides if I do go to Hell...it'll be because of something better than what you imagine.

   Yeah, like the fact you guys think this monk shit is funny when I am at least respecting it.

Leola:  So...monks!

 Yes, so if you get a monk that can read and write but won't read aloud cause he took a Volume of Shilance from some old guy...whatever that is but he won't say nothing no matter how many rug beaters you go through.

Jackie:  Oh, fun.

   Anyway, the monk is defectrable and has to be replaced cause he's fifty percent useless.

Leola:  Why is that?

   I like singing.

Jackie and Leola: .....and...so what?

   Nah, that's it.  I get a kick out of you two singing otherwise I would replace you two too....too.  (passes out on floor)

Leola: (laughing) Only if you can catch us bitch.

Jackie:  I say we drop him at a monastery.