So I hear you guys are planning something...something special. Is that like...somethin' that involves me or something I have to destroy you know, like your hopes and dignity? I bet it's somethin' about me! I'm awesome and the ruler of my own page!
Jackie: Yeah, so would you like some crumpets, a drink...or a hat rack you can try to make love to?
For your king Yes! Go wench to the dregs of the vodka barrel and get my.. mien... me... my...get me some vodka! It's a party.
Leola: I have a bottle of turpentine. How's that for your majesty? With an anti-freeze chaser?
Sounds good, keep 'em coming, anti-freeze gives me that little tingle in the back of my skull.
Jackie: That's your brain cells dying.
Shut up. I like it. Makes me remind about mom's soup and muffin tops.
Jackie: Just to warn you now, as you have noticed, Drunken Faun's advice is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended...or easily grossed out, disturbed, Christian, religious in any way...just be open-minded, you know, like everyone of your teachers in school told you not to be. This would be the time to rebel like the inner punk you know you are.
Leola: We didn't really have time to prepare a disclaimer...sorry.
Oh! OH! Do you see this oppression!? I'm being censored and curfewed by the FCC KGB already! I think I'm going to be famous, because no one likes me, that's how people get famous, you know, like Stalin, and Lennon, and that guy who wore the purple dinosaur outfit on that show....or that guy who kept taking off his sweater, what the hell was that about? So, everyone gets to shut up now and I get to give you my introduction about how all this magnif...manefesc...awesome everything came to be.
Jackie: Go for it goat boy.
Well, back in the day when I was a little faun, before I found this wild nectar of the gods that I stole from that dude who pushes all the dead suckers into this river on a boat...I was a parsimonious child that liked flowers and naked women...and would help to feed my family by clawing Athena's statues eyes out and selling the gold under my fingernails...then she'd try to shoot me. I was fast and then she never got me. So here I am.
Just where I want to be...and now I'm gonna get money off all of these suckers reading this.
Jackie: Don't tell people that!
Again, shut up. So, here is a bunch of letters and things people wrote me, because I'm all knowing and stuff. And liquor makes me smarter and able to see into the cosmos and God and how they make Oreos and you should give me more liquor because it makes me happy and smarter and all good things like that and.....
(Passes out onto floor)
Leola: Thank God! I was wondering how long it would take that Lori-tab to kick in.
Jackie: You really felt the need to drug him?
Leola: Yes, otherwise he would have kept going and we'd be out of scotch. Expensive little troll, he is.
Jackie: True, well done then. So now, we will finish with the introduction, seeing as how he is now passed out on my floor...and drooling. Oh! How disgusting!
Leola: So, there you have it. This is a collection of the...wondrous...insightful...advice that Drunken Faun has given over the years since we found him skulking in the elevator of the Lightner Museum.
Jackie: We hope these amuse you as they have amused, disgusted, disturbed, damaged, traumatized our souls and property...to bring to you.
Jackie & Leola: Enjoy.
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